Midlife women are revolting & Dr Lucy Ryan is here to explain why…
Dr Lucy Ryan is multi-talented. She’s a leadership coach and consultant with an MSc in Positive Psychology, a passionate advocate for women’s professional development and an author. Her PhD research project investigated the phenomenon of leadership in women over-50.
And she likes cycling and swimming and has two Bedlington terriers…
Now Lucy has written a brilliant book called Revolting Women: why midlife women are walking out. Using her valuable research, personal stories and interviews, she covers the demands on midlife women and explores why we are leaving the workforce in droves. The book highlights how 50-plus women are undervalued and, worse, ignored in the workplace; how we are taking control of our careers and reinventing ourselves. Calling out gendered ageism she demands systemic change. Is it any wonder we are revolting?!
Dr Lucy Ryan
Here’s an extract from the book and Dr Lucy Ryan is also offering one lucky That’s Not My Age reader a copy of Revolting Women (see below).
‘My study showed that midlife felt like a collision for the participants. I don’t know why this surprised me, as in the five years from start to completion of the research, I experienced most aspects of life related by participants. After a difficult peri-menopause, I have in the last two years experienced some of the post-menopausal zest described to me by participants. Interestingly, as some participants related their hot flushes in rich detail, I experienced them again in the moment. That’s empathy!
Both my children started and graduated from university, leaving home for good to set up their respective lives elsewhere, with all the concurrent emotions of pride, concern, loss, and joy. In this time period, my father died of dementia and alcoholism, my mother-in-law descended for years into Alzheimer’s, and my father-in-law more recently suffered delirium, a stroke, and a broken hip. With our siblings, my partner and I have shared their care, travelling the country to answer urgent caring calls.
My 94-year-old mother remains a vibrant source of joy and we share a desire to make the most of our remaining time, travelling together. (As she has recently published her first children’s stories, she became a writing ‘study buddy’, and we stole away to Devon twice a year to write for four-day stretches.)
My partner and I moved house and our thriving business hit a bumpy patch when I took time off for health reasons, and then it ground to a halt in the pandemic (like so many people, it climbed back out in a different shape and form than before). At a deeper autobiographical level, it became apparent over the course of five years that ‘life was imitating art’ with many of the research questions reflecting my own personal age and stage of life as I grappled with the midlife questions of middle-aged identity, caring challenges, and ambition.
On the couch
It helps to see midlife as a transition, or a threshold. The need to ‘let go’ of one phase of your life before embracing the next. Metaphorically, thresholds are connected with the breaking point of a life, the moment of crisis, the decision that changes a life – or the indecisiveness that fails to change a life, the fear to step over the threshold. Over the course of exploring the lives of middle-aged women, I realised that there is a fragility in the midlife transition that either prevents growth and change or, at its best, is the natural precursor to revolution and transformation.
In every single interview (during my doctoral research), the subject of ‘loss’, in one form or another, was discussed, together with the impact of this on the respondent’s decisions about work and their relationship with their current employer. Discussions included the loss (or potential loss) of parents and friends, the departure of children, the loss of a career. The perceived loss of sexuality or fertility was considered along with the sense of loss of beauty, youth, and fitness, and often of identity. Emotions were high, with fear, guilt, exhaustion, uneasiness, and disappointment existing alongside those of joy, relief, liberation, astonishment, and abundance.
Not only this, but my study showed me that there was a different kind of ‘letting go’ happening: the letting go of old jobs or ways of working. Two thirds of respondents were, at the time of interviewing, in the midst of career changes. This is, quite frankly, astonishing! In contrast to the literature suggesting the trajectory for professionals at middle age is that of a decline and out, the range of career movement was heading in all directions. There were as many women in the process of stepping up within their organisations, as were moving to self-employment; with further transitions including starting a job-sharing role; facing retirement or embarking on student life.’
Leave a comment below, before 10 October 2023, explaining why you’re a Revolting Woman, to receive a copy of the book. Read more about Lucy HERE.
More That’s Not My Age book recommendations HERE.
Discussion (30 Comments)
Madelaine Cooper says:
I’m mid 60s and still revolting and in so many ways, still revoluting too. The transitions continue to bemuse, tire, fill me with excitement and also some dread. It just never stops does it! We might benefit from clinging together a little more and certainly some more sharing and templating of how we might navigate these new paths is always welcome. The book sounds like just the right thing at the right time!
Drowninginlemonade says:
In June this year I learned that my employer wasn’t renewing my contract. Then in early July I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Halfway through chemo, I am now bald, overweight, and full of anger at the way middle-aged women are casually dismissed by our society. They don’t get more revolting than me!
Pippa says:
Wow, how I identify with the idea of being on a threshold! As I embark on life as a single person after 25 years of marriage, I’ve also taken the plunge into academia once more and am back studying on a course I’ve been toying with for ages. For so many years, I could see myself as a juggler, trying to manage work, children, family, and a tricky relationship. I think it’s time to stop performing for others and do something for myself, for my own sense of identity and self esteem.
Kristen says:
“I think it’s time to stop performing for others and do something for myself, for my own sense of identity and self esteem.”
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how women are taught from an early age to be performative – they have to show others acceptable traits and accomplishments to prove their worth. Well, enough. I just want to “be”.
amanda smith says:
I have given myself to others all my life; parents, husband, children. Turning 60 this year made me realize – if I am EVER going to give myself to ME, I’d better start NOW.
Abigail Weiss says:
As a 57 yo woman on my third career, I am so interested in this book! I think a lot about all the losses, big and small, and the thrill of continuing to grow despite it all! I am grateful for this space and books like this.
B Dale Saufley says:
At the age of 54 with savings in the bank and no dependents, I quit corporate America. I began my very small business of teaching martial arts and yoga. During the pandemic shutdown I was thoroughly discouraged as I had only one client to teach via to FaceTime. But I’ve developed into a more compassionate, interesting woman and have enough time to see my aging parents (mother with dementia, father at 90 with multiple physical/ cognitive issues) through their difficulties. When I was a cog in the machine I had money but little quality time. Today at 63 I have no savings but I have a wonderful community and quality of life!
Cindy from Canada says:
I am a Revolting Woman because I am tired of ageism when it comes to middle aged women in the workforce. I live in Canada, and there was a news article about a well known female journalist (Lisa LaFlamme) who was let go from her position because she let her hair color go gray during the pandemic and she chose NOT TO COLOR IT. I find it unfortunate that part of our identity is connected to our career. A common question when I meet someone new is WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
Ageism is a topic I am interested in, and I would be thrilled to receive a copy of this book. Thank you for posting this great article.L says:
Turning 60 this year. Hopefully finding an end to a 35 year marriage…6 years into a messy divorce that seems to only be inflamed by the patriarchal family law act that needs to be adjusted to acknowledge the choice of women who have chosen to stay at home and support their families and grow a CEO spouse. Went back to school at 50 probably the beginning of my revolt, as children graduated, I began to prioritize time to set stage for the next chapter. Huge transition with so much possibility. Life has its doors wide open to running retreats, new career in Osteopathy. Taking care of family members, parent and grandchildren. Looking for a new partner in life. (Dating at 60 is a revolution). Recovering from open heart surgery. Most of all finding joy in all the possibilities. Gratitude in carrying the wisdom of life’s lessons to a forever expanding purpose and building a legacy of getting through it all with grace.
Deborah Milburn says:
I like the ideas expressed in this piece.about Older women on the cusp of making changes and fulfilling potential and goals they have postponed for various reasons. I mean what’s not to like?
However, I can’t help wondering if a lot of these changes can only be made with a nice financial cushion for support?
Nobody on here living on welfare/benefits, homeless or without some educational attainment previously.Just a thought.
Lucy Ryan says:
Yes, you’re right Deborah. I studied older women in business who were on the cusp of stepping up and being able to make a difference in the organisational world but were instead stepping out. There are so many other women in different circumstances. However, at least half of the women I interviewed had zero financial support and were having to stay in full time roles as the breadwinner, step down to cope as they balance care/work. Hope that helps. Lucy
Yes, you’re right Deborah. I studied older women in business who were on the cusp of stepping up and being able to make a difference in the organisational world but were instead stepping out. There are so many other women in different circumstances. However, at least half of the women I interviewed had zero financial support and were having to stay in full time roles as the breadwinner, step down to cope as they balance care/work. Hope that helps. Lucy
Melanie says:
I’m reading this blog post while I’m stalling on completing a homework assignment for one of my Computer Science classes (writing a program equivalent to the standard C library’s base64 encoding function). Of course, reading about this long-overdue book is a welcome distraction!
I’m 57, and getting my second undergraduate degree in hopes of rejoining the workforce after years away. I’m truly a Revolting Woman, have been since my punk/Goth youth, am now trudging through that midlife Slough of Despond described above. Not dead yet; huzzah.
JoanCecile says:
I am between the ages of 80 and 100! I am still a Revolting Woman. As a pr executive turning 50, I became invisible. How does that happen? Left that career to major in social work and earned an MSW. All the menopaus symptoms piled on. Then a criminal md decided to remove my thyroid. Well, im still here. Just gutted it all out. Learned to get second and third opinions before going under the knife. I would so love to read your book and pass on to friends, family and clients. At the very least, thank you so much for this post. So helpful.
Jo B says:
I am so struck by your comment JoanCecile that you ‘gutted it all out’: this so perfectly describes my life of this last year.
71 and still revolting! I am so tired of a society that undervalues women and particularly women who are middle aged and older. At this stage of life, I have discovered that I still have much to offer… volunteering with a non-profit organization, tutoring ESL students, joining a patient advocacy group, etc.
Janet says:
When I first went to a yoga class many years ago, the teacher said towards the end of the session “Now simply be”, meaning just relax, let everything go, don’t think about anything for those few moments. When I’m feeling particularly stressed at times, I try and recall that advice and practise it.
Hi Alison,
Revolting woman here too! I’ve become slightly obsessed with Jung’s notion of a second half of life which is the one that really counts, however, doing it well requires a new way of looking at just about everything. This book strikes so many chords.
PS Loving your work!Ali says:
I turned 60 this year and have realised that I always put everyone else first. Both my daughters have left home and are independent women, my elderly Mum has moved nearer to me for support which I am happy to give. I changed careers 2 years ago and went part time, so I suppose the revolving started then. I downsized my house last year and am about to go on a solo walking holiday. I’m work in progress so it would be so interested to read this book.
Elizabeth says:
Wow, I’ve loved reading these comments (and the post!) from inspiring older women. At 48 and self-employed, I feel passionately about working on my terms instead of anyone else’s yet society puts so much pressure on women to “perform” in all areas. Feeling hopeful that even now and later on we can all still “revolt” and get what WE want. Thank you everyone x
Susanna says:
I’ve been a revolting woman all along, though I completely agree with those who point out that it’s easier with some kind of support (both personal and financial). In my case it was my spouse who cheered on my late 20’s Master’s degree/having a baby crazy combo, and who then cheered some more when I went across the country for three years at 45 to pursue a PhD. I did the mid-life switch and ended up with a super second career in graduate teaching, and then COVID precipitated the third act – retirement, which I’m currently getting used to. I should say that I’ve returned the favor for my spouse, through a much earlier PhD, a very “thick and thin” career that has involved several big shifts and a lot of travel, and now semi-retirement doing one last project. I guess I’m saying how fortunate I feel to have navigated all this, especially at the times (several of them) when we both wondered if our marriage could stand yet another re-invention. My hunch is that our joint “revolution” – moving across the world the day after we were married – set the tone for all the rest of it. The book sounds wonderful!
Boadicea says:
Dear God, reading about Dr Ryan and her book and learning how difficult so many women have found (and are still finding) daily life both at home and in the workplace, I’ve realised just how bloody lucky I’ve been.
I am old now, but was too sluggish to believe in myself back in the day, possibly due to a loving but very over-protective mother whose mantra was Always Stay Under the Radar. Fortunately, thanks to my wonderfully supportive husband, I found I did have a spark of confidence in me, albeit on slow-burn. It took a while but I had a career I’m proud of plus a lovely family, good health and good friends, and old age has been equally good to me. I’ve tried to play forward my gratitude through many years of community work and I’m pleased to say that my mother ended up being very proud of me!
To the ladies suffering today, I send my heartfelt sympathy and to those who’ve touched the stars despite everything, my admiration. I was never a feminist in the bra-burning sense as I never needed to be, but am appalled at the present all-out attempt to cancel women and femininity in all senses of those words. The world is not a nice place overall right now and this country in particular is a prime example. It has allowed itself to be high-jacked by nasty people with nasty agendas. Those in charge cannot see, or refuse to see how they are in thrall to these people; that young girls are growing up confused yet feeling entitled, maybe subconsciously aware that women per se are being sidelined and undermined daily, and that if they do not draw attention to themselves and stay relevant they too, will eventually ‘disappear’ – something far too frightening to dwell on, hence their often irrational behaviour.
I reckon the good Doctor’s book should be required reading in all homes, schools, and other educational institutions and certainly in every company HR department.
Thank you, Lucy Ryan, for writing this book. May it bring about changes. Soon.Mrs Tonia says:
So many interesting experiences and comments here in response to your post Alyson. I did a lot of this juggling of work, children, ageing parents, especially my mother will Alzheimer’s disease. Thankfully still keeping on trucking now with launched children, two grandchildren and an intact long marriage. All has required much effort and compromise. What you put in you get out if you are fortunate.
I do agree with the comment that changing gear requires education and financial cushioning and support networks.I do ag
Laura Piddock says:
Until I read this post, I had not realised I was a ‘revolting woman’! I changed my job at the age of 58 (I was a successful professor in a UK Russell Group University), when I did not need to, and for five years I have been trying to rationalise why I did. I was lucky enough to be afforded an amazing opportunity.that I grasped with both hands. Only on reading this blog have a realised why I revolted.
Yvonne says:
We have all a story to tell. We could take all the comments from this post and write a book based on them and their authors (commentators).Older women are struggling to be seen and together we can fight a good fight.I have been fighting that fight since I was a little girl with a household full of men.Now, I speak up and shout if needed.I will not let anybody silence me.I am a revolted woman. That book speaks to me and thank you for writing it.
Leave a Reply
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Dear Alison
I live in Switzerland and got hooked to your blog.
12 years ago I had a worse divorce in GERMANY made every job to stay close to my daughter until she reached the college.
Then I moved back to my hometown in Switzerland. Four years later I achieved my first Master in diversity for school belongings, I turned 50 that year.
Now with 61 I made my second master as teacher for mental therapy.
For a long time in my life I felt pressure, but now looking back I feel myself satisfied. The circumstances that I will be able to learn lifelong to reach goals made me strong. Made me to walk out.