Menopause, menopause, menopause
Photo: Guardian
Last week, Dr Andrea Davies an academic at Leicester University suggested that by saying ‘menopause’ three times a day in the workplace, male and female colleagues could help reduce the taboo surrounding menopause and this would benefit female workers of a certain age. It’s at times like these I am grateful to be freelance. ‘Oh I see you’ve just been to the water cooler/switched the electric fan on again; menopause, menopause, menopause…’
Times columnist Janice Turner responded with a brilliant feature entitled, Please stop banging on about the menopause (linking to it HERE but it is behind the paywall). Turner rightly asks ‘why should women be judged by their hormones?’
‘I’m a pretty frank person, too old to be easily embarrassed. But I wouldn’t want male colleagues coming over to demonstrate their awareness…No more than they’d want me shouting about erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.’
Turner argues that we shouldn’t be defined by the menopause (or any other medical condition):
‘Older women are formidably tough and fearless…In their professions they have fought up the corporate ladder, banked expertise and laurels. They don’t want a badge of oestrogen-depleted victimhood. They just want to get on with life.’
‘So go over right now and whisper “menopause” three times to a colleague of a certain age,’ Turner concludes, ‘ offer to open a window or handle her workload because she’s probably a bit addled these days. Go on. I dare you.’
One of my friends came to stay at the weekend and we were discussing the menopause and what we really need. That is: more medical research and informed, supportive GPs, so that we can feel more informed instead of passing information between ourselves like black market goods in World War II. She was reading Menopause: the change for the better written by Deborah Garlick and published by Green Tree. Admitting that she skipped the ‘personal stories,’ and went straight for the expert information, my friend Kate – who has experienced severe menopausal symptoms over the last few years, almost died from blood loss and had to have a hysterectomy – found the book helpful.
‘A positive text giving a good balance of western medical advice and natural treatments to alleviate symptoms, whatever works for the individual,’ Kate explained, ‘The book recommends not trying to be superwoman. Getting into partnership with your brain and body. In some societies, menopause is viewed as a positive as it signals ‘a change for the better’ i.e. more time for me.’ We then reminisced about Why Don’t You? the 1970s (and 80s) TV programme that was on during school summer holidays. ‘Why don’t you just switch off the television and go and out and do something less boring instead?’ continued Kate, ‘The menopause can make you do this, if you go with the flow, don’t fight it and be flexible.’
More ways to support menopausal working women HERE.
Discussion (44 Comments)
In a culture where men risk being reported (or worse) for complimenting a woman on her dress or calling her “dear,” just imagine the repercussions for the poor guy foolhardy enough to walk over to a woman in the workplace and whisper, “Menopause, menopause, menopause.” I’m still laughing.
Fiona Duncan says:
I do think there are pros and cons in what you are saying. I suffered five years (yes five!) of only about three hours sleep and what was diagnosed as severe anxiety. Eventually in despair (I couldn’t function/work/parent etc) I went for help only to realise … light bulb moment .. it was The Menopause. If only my friends/the media/society had not been so silent around it I might have realised and asked for help (HRT) much earlier. It isn’t about fighting my body or giving in or anything like that. It’s about information and help and support. Some people truly suffer not because they ‘give in’ or ‘fight their body’. Mine has been fighting me and was winning in an awful way.
Again, women need to understand that it’s differrnt physically and emotionally for everyone and it isn’t weakness to want to be able to function. It’s nonsense to suggest that with mind over matter you can beat menopause symptoms in all cases. You can’t necessarily. Hormones are powerful things.Hello Fiona, thanks for commenting and I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such an horrendous time. I wasn’t suggesting that mind over matter works, I know from personal experience that it doesn’t and agree, hormones are incredibly powerful. My friend Kate (mentioned in the piece) suffered terribly too, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me mentioning this but after repeatedly visiting her doctor with severe bleeding, she ended up having a hysterectomy and is now on HRT. I think what she was trying to say was that eventually, when you find the right treatment/medication, menopause can be a positive thing. I will go back and add another sentence to clarify that.
Jane Amies says:
I do tend to agree with Janice Turner; I would be appalled if someone came and whispered ‘menopause menopause menopause’ in my ear! I am rather a private person in any event and do find all this ‘sharing’ and ‘openness’ a tad tiring! In saying that I do work in mental health so a great believer in ‘talking about things’ with a supportive well-trained person and I do realise that a lot of women suffer a great deal. I am/have been going through the menopause at nearly 60 and it’s a bore isn’t it……………slower, joints aching, brain fog etc etc. But you know what the majority of us will come through it and out the other side and probably stronger for it and I look forward to that! But I seriously do not want to discuss it every day!
Taken at the Flood says:
Is ‘go with the flow’ really the best choice of words?
More seriously though I think much of the silence and ignorance around menopause comes from the deeply patriarchal nature of Western medicine which sees the end of a woman’s reproductive life as the point where she ceases to matter.Rachel With An E says:
I laughed so much, tea came out of my nose. Menopause, menopause, menopause., can you imagine?! So grateful I work primarily from home!!
There is a book (and facebook page) recently released called: “What Would Virginia Woolf Do?”
(What Would Virginia Woolf Do?: And Other Questions I Ask Myself as I Attempt to Age Without Apology )
It handles the subject, with many details, in a highly readable way with a sense of humor.
I’m only a quarter way through but I recommend it!
https://www.amazon.com/What-Would-Virginia-Woolf-Questions/dp/1538727951Kelli says:
-.- It DEFINITELY needs to be discussed. Why oh why do we keep it quiet? When I was young and expecting, all the mom’s seemed very eager to share — in technicolour detail — every bloody labour and delivery moment. Breastfeeding and its difficulties are regularly on the table, and every gross child ailment all through parenthood. But only secretive whispers about menopause. The result is, those of us who are hit hard…anxiety, sleeplessness, awful bouts of bleeding and bladder issues, we feel alone. And scared. Very scared. As a result, at 58, I am forcing myself to step out of the shadows and just blab about it, especially to younger women, so that when they reach their menopause years, they won’t feel like they are the only person to travel this way. Buck up people!
Oh I am happy to discuss it with anyone who will listen! It’s just that this ‘menopause, menopause, menopause’ suggestion is patronising. Much better to raise awareness with a proper training session.
Absolutely. At work, I try to deal with hot flushes and memory lapses with humour, and generally receive acknowledgement and understanding. Yes I’ll talk about it, but the suggestion certainly isn’t the way I’d like to start that conversation.
Lizzie says:
I joined Slimming World to get rid of the menopause weight. They had available all sorts of info about losing baby weight but nothing about menopause – and menopause affects all women, not just 80% approx (figure from data supplied by Ageing Without Children (www.awoc.org.uk). Both are hormonal and can leave you with a fundamentally changed body shape.
CatbirdFarm says:
You are so right, Lizzie! Come to think of it, getting through the teen years is pretty hormonal and can leave you with a fundamentally changed body shape too but we don’t whisper about The Teens as if it is a shameful illness! (er, on second thought . . . )
Rhoda says:
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Kelli. We don’t talk about it openly or often enough.
I also find that while women – intermittently – discuss all aspects of the menopause…. they keep silent on the dreaded (and dreadful) Vaginal Atrophy. Nobody, but nobody, talks frankly about VA.
Thanks so much, Alyson, for raising the menopause as a topic.Neelie says:
Germaine Greer has discussed VA – of course, but very unhelpful. She went on HRT for that reason, as she ‘found herself’ in a relationship and quote: “like all women over 60 couldn’t have penetrative sex with a dried up vagina”. Not true. As always she was speaking frankly, but sending the wrong message. VA is problematic but its not a death knoll for intimacy and good sex.
CC says:
But what she said DOES capture a truth: with atrophy one can’t comfortably have penetration.
Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but it reads as if you posted to say scornfully, “well, I didn’t deal with that! Not all women!” And frankly I see that in many of these comments, and it’s gross and disappointing, and a kind of boast. Were I to not directly suffer a symptom I wouldn’t get all…insulted about it.
Let’s tell the truth, eh? This is why the study and article, as absurd and inelegant as it all reads, is needed. As is Dr. Jen Gunter’s site.Telling the truth is always the best policy, but I wonder about younger women reading Greer and fearing/believing that intercourse is impossible after 60, which is wrong.
VA does need to be discussed more openly, I’ll check out Dr Gunter’s site.Vera-D. says:
What I hate are post menopausal women claiming sex is great. It’s not even possible without topical estrogen. I don’t believe a single woman who claims to have great sex, a full libido and doesn’t use anything but natural herbs or olive oil. At least Germaine told the truth. The phrase “dried up” referring to older women didn’t come out of the air. The lies around sex are the worst. I’m not the only woman with zero libido never mind pain and lacerations from penetrative sex and I use topical estrogen. Your vaginal wall thickness decreases but no, yours does not. You are special. I have no other post menopausal symptoms yet, not even any wrinkles or saggy skin but my sex life is over.
Jennifer Ware says:
I was lucky. I had one hot flush. A panic when I thought I might be pregnant and apart from that, no problems. I for one was bloody glad to be rid of my hormones and glad to be rid of the PMT and mood swings. I’m sure I’ve been a much nicer person. I just wish I knew why I missed all the horrendous side effects so that I could pass it on!
Lisa B says:
I’m 100% behind Fiona on this one. I found the single most distressing and least expected effect of the menopause to be the gradual erosion of my sense of self. The mental acuity and humour I’d considered a key part of me just disappeared over a period of months. I was prepared for the occasional hot flush or instance of absentmindedness, but not for the wholesale devastation that the menopause brought or the conviction that I was losing my sanity and my self. Happily, at 64 that’s behind me now and I’m revelling in life PM – but please talk to younger friends and relatives honestly about the menopause and how dire it can be. For every woman breezing through, another woman is drowning (if you’ll forgive a thoroughly mixed metaphor). Oh, and feel free to release the full force of your menopausal ire on anyone whispering the word in your ear!
Naila khan says:
Your blog made me laugh at the section about mentioning to men about erectile dysfunction!!
Lesley Somerville says:
I don’t remember that much about the menopause, possible because I’d had a hysterectomy at 46 so things were all over the place anyway. Plus my entire life at that time was a mess so it’s all a blur that I prefer not to think about too much. But the good news for me, and hopefully others, is that life PM is great. I know it’s not something most people like to admit to, but my libido has totally disappeared and I find myself free from the tyranny of desire – and it was a tyranny for me as I was always lusting after someone (hence previous ‘mess’). I’m now single, not looking for a partner, don’t miss sex, and enjoying the freedom and the time I have to do other things. I’m not saying this is something to aspire to, but it works for me.
Joyce Russell says:
What a great post. I was lucky enough to be a woman who breezed through it with only a few mood swings. These I treated with herbal methods. Unfortunately, I was only 38 and my Gynecologist thought HRT would be better. I refused to go that route after hearing from older friends how they did and the whole mess of menstrual cycles started for them. I am glad to say that now at 62 I suffered no ill effects from that decision but have heard from some that it doesn’t always work out well. Still, I think you need to take your Doctor’s advice into consideration but go with your own gut feeling. And talk to your friends who want to discuss it. I felt rather alone at 38 and had no friends going through it with me and my Mother only had horror stories to tell me and she was uncomfortable discussing it.
Tara Vaughan-Hughes says:
It seems to me that the saying of menopause three times is being misconstrued. What I took away from the article in question is that even mentioning the word has been taboo, so if people can casually say menopause in a conversation, it helps to normalise not only the word but the thing itself. How to casually interject the word ‘menopause’ in a sentence? I haven’t figured that out yet, but the word ‘period’ is certainly bandied about more than when I was young, so it can happen. When we start to talk openly and empathetic ally about the people we know and love and what they are going through, words like love, death, period, cancer, menopause, adultery, depression, etc will all come up, and that’s great to get all this business of life out in the open.
Joanne says:
I agree Tara, it is important that we use the word menopause and normalise it as a stage in a women’s life that everyone needs to be aware of. The biggest issue as mentioned in the blog is the lack of specialist care available, unless you can afford to go private. My GP said the shutting of the menopause clinic was one of the first NHS cuts made! She has been really supportive but does not have the wealth of knowledge needed in prescribing the best combination of HRT that would suit my particular symptoms………….one size does not fit all as my friends and I are discovering.
Patricia Horgan says:
Erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation are problems that some men have and are medical problems – the menopause is something all women of a certain age go through and is not a medical problem. ( Although it can give rise to medical problems in some women.)
It is not something to be embarrassed about. I mention it at work or to friends whenever it seems to come up naturally in the conversation – like why I have to suddenly go out and stand in the freezing cold for 10 minutes in the winter – or when I have no idea if everyone else is feeling hot and needs a fan on, or it is just me, in the summer.
We need to talk about it too, as we may be working alongside men in the workplace – but we are not men. The workplace is still structured in a way that a natural transition like the menopause is seen as like ‘any other medical condition’.
Talk away about it – or nothing will change.Sharon says:
Thanks for this. My local library has a copy of the book and I’ve just reserved it.
Also my (female) doctor asked me if I was coping ok, she’s a little younger and her symptoms are just beginning.
She also mentioned she attended a recent seminar on menopause and that some of the symptoms will stay with you till the end. It’s the gift that keeps giving then.Mumoffour says:
I can’t really see how making the workplace aware is going to help. Quite the opposite in my opinion. What would help if we could get the workplace to focus on what characteristics we bring to the job regardless of age, whether we are married/single, parents or not. The only judgement we should be receiving is whether we are doing our job to the best of our ability.
Thinking back on my work life I’ve juggled “being too young” and “Getting married so you’re about to be pregnant” stigmas. Then pregnancy when I struggled with morning sickness and then childcare pressures. Now I’m scared of being too old to be competitive. Honestly when do we stop making excuses for our situations and find ourselves able to enjoy our work and be good at it?
Cristina says:
Then, should young girls should say three times, menstruation, menstruation, menstruation. I don’t anyone to judge my capabilities based in my physical condition!
Information is power especially when it comes to navigating the menopause. However there’s so little information on hand that we really do need to pass on whatever we learn from our own experience in order to help others.
True the journey changes, that’s often the nature of the beast. This is even more reason we should keep talking about menopause and perimenopause. I’ve just come through the extra fun post menopausal bleeding scenario. Six months of constant, annoying “periods” after two years of none that came to a head when I feared the worse.
A simple biopsy and blood test revealed no cancer just too much progesterone!
Yep, menopause has it’s moments that’s for sure. It’s not the best time of my life but it’s not the worst. It’s simply something we all eventually go through. I don’t see why we should go through it alone.Elizabeth Heath says:
I read all the comments with interest and have to add that, at 69, I still ‘enjoy’ the occasional hot flush but, in all other respects, life is better PM than before. No irregular periods which plagued me all my adult life etc etc. If only I knew at the time of what I could expect. Talk to your friends!
Francesca Dixon says:
Personally I’d rathr pick up on another quote from Ms Turner ‘Older women are formidably tough and fearless…In their professions they have fought up the corporate ladder, banked expertise and laurels.’ To be honest women, old or young, are just people some are tough some are fearless, many are neither. At different stages in life there are different challenges and everyone deals with these in different ways some successful some less so. To be honest I have climbed many ladders, and slipped down far more and looking forward to old age scares me witless (I’m over 60). I am not ‘formidably tough and fearless’, I am just someone trying to make the best out of life and trying to enjoy myself while doing so.
Martine Large says:
If somebody had whispered menopause to me when I was going through it I would probably have head-butted them. I had to make my husband promise to ignore me if I said I wanted a divorce. And the self-help books were grim, even the ones that were supposed to give it a positive slant.
Janet says:
Although it’s getting a little out of date now I found “Could it be perimenopause?” by Steven R Goldstein & Laurie Ashner with it’s pop art cover very helpful in coping with the years before & during the menopause and gave copies to many of my friends. It certainly helped with my light bulb moment when I realised why I was suffering anxiety & dread at work – something I would not wish on my worst enemy.
Mrs Tonia says:
Someone recommended a book on peri menopause to me in my 40s when I was suffering from flushes and weight gain and other symptoms. A GP tried to put me on HRT which I declined since at the time there were correlations with increased risk of breast cancer. My sister had had this cancer so I was in an increased risk category. I saw a natural approach to coping with menopausal symptoms person and bought a couple of books to follow. I’d wear loose layers of natural fabrics and carry a fan in my bag. At night I’d peel off the bedclothes and tamp my chest with the sheets. I said little to the three male members of my immediate family and just tried to get on with things. It passed fortunately. When younger friends were going through the same and talked to me about it I passed on my books to help them. Better a climate now when there are television programmes by Kirstie Wark and others discussing Menopause and more discussion generally as here. But making colleagues aware when there are prejudices against older women I’m not so sure that’s helpful. Despite comments by Germaine Greer on the subject there are things to do about atrophy and painful sex. Over the counter creams available in any chemist or pharmacy. Ask for advice or read the packaging. No need now with all the forums and online advice to suffer without complaint on one’s own.
Pamela, St. Paul, Minnesota, USA says:
Thanks, Alyson, and all here. I feel like American women and men could learn from you to talk about menopause in the workplace and beyond. The conversations seem to rarely come up here in our workplaces despite the fact the workforce as a whole has more women and more women over 55. Is it competition and the feeling that admitting symptoms is a weakness? Is it the lack of female leadership at the higher ranks? Our health care systems and clinical conversations? I don’t know. We are deluged with Viagra and incontinence commercials and articles about well-being but not menopause (except for rare writers like Dr. Christiane Northrup).
Sarah says:
‘Menopause, menopause, menopause’ sounds like an incantation 😉 (I can imagine Emma Thompson drawling BRING IT ME, I COMMAND THEE, SPIRITS! SUFFER THY FOOLS NO MORE, AND REGULARLY SEEK THY PHYSICIAN.) I will look out for the book though – sounds like a winner.
JS says:
I never know how to respond to articles like this because I did not have the kind of awful menopause that is always written about. At most, I got slightly warm, that is it. In the reader comments of other articles, I’ve encountered other women who also did not experience dramatic symptoms.
Not trying to diminish anyone’s discomfort, but I am presenting another side that I know exists but doesn’t get much attention.
Jean Shaw says:
I ran a women’s health newsletter here in the US for 5 years, so I have plenty of opinions on this topic, as you can imagine. There IS good information and good research out there, but it can get lost in the shuffle. And we have to advocate for ourselves, too, and be willing to ask questions and push for answers.
But in the workplace….? Our coworkers are not our family. Some might be friends, but that doesn’t always hold true (and competition can blow work friendships out of the water). Normally, I’m all for transparency and openness, but I’m not expecting my female coworkers–who are younger than I am–to come to me for advice or feedback. (If they did, that would be fine; they know I keep confidences.)
It’s plenty tricky.
SFord says:
I agree there should be more discussion. I assume that I am perimenopausal as I have had a few ongoing minor symptoms but nothing that isn’t copeable. However, I wasn’t aware that brain fog was one of them until I confided to a friend that I was worried I might be getting early onset dementia as I couldn’t remember the words for everyday objects (window, door, tea, coffee, yes, no!) and she told me that it was a symptom!
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When I saw that article about that idiotic academic in print last week I wanted to strangle her there and then.
(PS – Ms Academic – menopause can lead to bouts of violence when I celebrate no longer suffering fools gladly.)