Why we should be ageful (not ageless)
Ashton Applewhite
Even though we live in an ageing society, old age is treated like a problem. We are living longer, and yet, ageist attitudes prevail. I was reminded of this recently on holiday in Italy – I know Italy has its challenges but at least this is a place where old people are treated with respect. I love seeing all the nonnas in swimsuits on the beach with their families, and the old boys shooting the barely-there breeze in the town square, not stuck indoors on their own. Other countries such as Japan and Sweden make much better provision for the older population – quality care, exercise classes – here older citizens often work as volunteers and are seen as a resource so it makes sense to look after them. Whereas one of my friends in the UK has just taken a sabbatical to care for her ailing mother, and another friend had to move back to Canada, from London, to do the same (Alexia has been documenting her story in the ‘Finding Joy’ series for That’s Not My Age).
In her book This Chair Rocks: a manifesto against ageism the American author Ashton Applewhite argues that ‘ageism is ‘the last socially sanctioned prejudice’, that ‘racist and sexist comments no longer get a pass but who even blinks when old people are described as worthless, incompetent or out of it?’
I dipped into This Chair Rocks on holiday and it’s an engaging book packed full of age-positive stories, all backed up by extensive research. We fear old age and assume that ‘depression, diapers and dementia lie ahead’ but Applewhite has evidence to suggest otherwise. She covers the stereotypical issues associated with ageing and age discrimination and then forensically dispels the myths. Each chapter ends with a call to arms, a Push Back! section including a list of detailed suggestions, such as: ‘claim your age’ (rather than denying it), ‘question the mainstream narrative’, ‘acknowledge that life is finite’, ‘look for beauty in older faces and bodies. It is there’. This is inspiring stuff.
The genius idea of ‘agefulness’ is one that I intend to champion. Applewhite suggests that agefulness is an accumulation of ‘all the things we have done and been’, and that agelessness is an ageist concept. This is validated by a quote from the sociologist Molly Andrews, ‘ The current tendency towards agelessness is in itself ageist, depriving the old of one of their most hard-earned resources: their age.’ I am aware that the language we use is important but really hadn’t thought of it like this. In my mind, I’ve always viewed agelessness as a way of taking age out of the equation, in a ‘what’s age got to do with it? Let’s focus on the individual’ kind of way. But Applewhite says, ‘Whatever our trajectories, however we’ve navigated loving and letting go, whether of children or houses or dreams, we are the sum of those experiences and we learned from them. They make us us. That is agefulness, rich and deep and invaluable.’
The chapter includes a lovely quote from the writer Madeleine L’Engle, ‘The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been.’
From now on I’m going to be ageful, not ageless.
Watch Ashton Applewhite’s ‘Let End Ageism’ TedTalk HERE.
Discussion (45 Comments)
Deborah Benady says:
As I was 60 on Saturday the question of age and ageing is in all my thoughts. I am freelance, most recently working with a team of 35 year olds, and I feel like I need to keep my age secret at work to keep myself in work. This article has really made me think about owning my age, my experience and my contribution.
Sarah says:
Amen. If ever there was a time that our society needed wisdom (only aquired with age and experience), it is now.
Lesley Somerville says:
This is a book I shall be reading and I applaud everything you say. I’m 63 and very proud to be who I am, with all the experiences from those years lived and looking forward to more in the future. I am also fed up with talk of the menopause being the end of the line, and would like to reassure others that being ‘asexual’, which is how I describe myself, is like going back to the days before puberty, where you simply don’t even think about sex. It frees up time to be a person, my own person and not the subject of someone else’s desire. That wonderful monologue in Fleabag said it much better than I ever could.
And while I’m at it, I look at women like Trinny, who I love actually and find amusing, but her obsession with looking MUCH younger than her age, and the time and effort she expends on doing so….well, it blows my mind!
So, don’t be afraid, Mags (I have four pairs of your earrings and want more by the way), be proud. We older women are a force, we are going to be a bigger force than ever in the next few years. Unleash yourself and let’s get to work because society needs our wisdom, our energy and our ability to get things done.Angela Muller says:
Lesley,
Such truth in your words. It has become so easy to buy into the prejudice, because it’s everywhere. But we, adults, need to come out from “the dark side” and acknowledge the reality that the youth of our world need us, it is up to us to save them and ourselves. Thank you.
I´m not sure what I think about this. Sure we all hope to be those old people with the brain intact and our bodies in shape, but in reality that is an illusion. I am often wondering if our society is obsessed with age because we are simply afraid to die, more so than previous generations in history when death was always around due to illness, war etc (ofc I’m talking middle class westerners) . I find age to be liberating and have no problem admitting I’m 61, but I am also trying to embrace the fact that life is limited and that I now may have 20 good years to explore the world and do the things I never had time to do before due to work and family commitments. I’m not sure being “ageless” or “ageful” makes any difference to me, maybe to the youngsters around me, but to be honest I’m too old to bother about what they think anyway! I found this to be a bigger issue when I was 50… Interesting topic though, and I may very well try and get the book.
By the way; being Swedish I can tell you the quality care for old people exist, but unfortunately in recent years it has been widely privatized and profit rules these companies more than the aim to give good care. But that is a different discussion!:)Anne Chamberlain says:
Hello, while I think you are correct that society is obsessed with ageing because people are afraid to die, the idea that death is only for the elderly is the illusion, not the notion that you can be very old and very healthy. You say you are trying to fit everything in in the twenty healthy years you may have left, but the truth is no one knows exactly when they are going to become incapable of doing stuff: weakness, infirmity, fear: who knows when these things strike? Do the things you can whatever your age! Trusting oneself to conform to the averages is a dangerous game. For me the advantage of ageing is casting away what is not important, leaving a clearer head for the things I do think matter, this is knowledge worth suffering the odd ache and pain for. Also with age comes greater compassion for people now I know how difficult, and random, the actual business of living can be.
My two parents have aged very differently, and yet I take both as examples. My 86-year old mother died of advanced Alzheimer’s in March. And yet she was herself in some ways until the end. She always lived for affection, and for the good life. She lived until she could neither speak nor eat solid food and then she just died. But I swear she was able to find joy until the end. My 88-year old father is as sharp as you or I, finally showing physical wear and tear. But he is finding all kinds of ways to explore his humanity.
I think poverty makes age unendurable, and resources make it OK, but nothing is OK about death but it’s there so maybe everyone will feel better if we stop closing off old people to avoid seeing truth in its face.
Isobel says:
Angelin, Anne and Lisa… such great points from all of you. The terms “ageless” and “ageful” mean nothing to me – I’ve made it to 64 somehow, so I’m just very happy about that! I don’t think ahead at all about what might happen to me or when. Others’ opinions of me matter far less than when I was young, and I really enjoy being able to focus on what makes me the happiest I can be each day. I definitely agree that one’s finances have a huge impact on how ‘comfortably’ we age. I believe it’s all random… you don’t know whether you’ll have good luck or bad luck on any given day, so best to just keep going and try not to worry too much ahead of time!!!
Mary says:
I’m 75 and ok with it. I’m interested in clothes (although not fashion) I like to eat healthily, and I’d LOVE to exercise regularly. However I can’t allocate the large amount of money needed to join a health club. If government wants to save National health costs, why not give over 70s vouchers to put towards classes so they can stay active and healthy? It would save money in the long run.
Mrs Tonia says:
You make a good point about there needing to be practical encouragement for those of pensionable age to use leisure facilities for exercise.
I’m on a limited income now and no longer pay to go to a fancy gym with its classes and indoor and outdoor pools. I got a senior annual pass for my local municipal leisure Center which enables pay-as-you-go gym or swim sessions for as little as £3. I also get a senior discount to swim in the nearby Lido for the same amount and could camp out sunning and reading in its grounds too. Walking and or jogging around a local park has no cost apart from a decent pair of shoes, exercise clothes and a sports bra. Limited money doesn’t stop one going online and following exercise routines on You Tube for example.
There’s always something one can do to exercise. There are also park walk groups which I don’t think are costly to join.
Good luck. I intend to keep on moving and enjoying exercise as much as I can despite advancing age and limited budget.
Lizzie Francke says:
This is wonderful! I agree – when we talk about diversity, aging slips off the agenda and yet it is something everyone will experience. I want to embrace the wisdom and grace of age – not hide from the process of growing older in this society that privileges youth in a rather narcissistic way (that narcissism is also linked with our cultural fear of death). I want to be happily ageful.
Last night, I received an email from a casting director wanting to cast 70 y.o.
me as the lead in his latest film. It was porn!
Luckily I have a conflict on the shooting dates.Madelaine says:
Loved this piece Alyson. Positive language around age is so important – whatever age you are. Thank you.
Patricia Watts says:
Fascinating , I shall be buying this book.
I am 72 , young in heart and mind I am told.
I am still working as it keeps my mind active and I enjoy the company of younger people as well as friends of my own age .
I am definitely flying the flag for agefulness.FR says:
So enjoyed reading your piece, more please! Beginning at 56 to feel more conscious of ageism, and sometimes struggle with thoughts about ageing but love idea of being ageful. This inspired me to buy ‘This Chair Rocks!’
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and generous comments about my book, Alyson. Much appreciated. Here’s to agefulness! — Ashton
The whole topic of how to approach one’s own ageing process and that of all societies is a significant one.
I feel an acceptance of the stage one has reached and that it encompasses all the life experiences one has been through to reach one’s current age and stage is crucial as expressed here. Even looking at all the 1960s fashion in galleries this year, and seeing many similar aged women to myself looking at clothing and makeup they wore as teenagers took me back in a good way to how it felt to be young then. The book Boutique reminded me via its photos of going into the early Biba and Bus Stop on Kensington Church Street. The music of that period reminds one of the excitement of going to parties as an eager teen etc etc.
Good to get all this feedback from readers of TNMA. All of their contributions are a valuable part of an important debate.
Another good move Alyson in following the zeitgeist. Do continueMarie Treacey says:
A great article and I am getting the book, women are a lesser valued resource in society as we all know and this gives me hope going forward as a mere 60 year old woman after what was said in the last few days by a certain president and his attitude to those amazing women in Congress who called him out on his atrocious rhetoric, racist white male supremacist tropes. I love the blog Alison Thank you.
June says:
This is a great post. Thank you, I’ll certainly be looking out for this book. I don’t quite know how it happened but I never think about my age now – more about do I feel ok today? And getting on with the things I want to do. Somehow age means less now I’m retired and I’m less conscious of being at the upper end (age wise) of the workforce. Letting go of routine, commitment, a certain sort of responsibility has been entirely liberating and I seem to somehow only think about the ‘now’, how I feel, and what I’d like to do.
Ageful or ageless, I’m with Angelin in that I’m not too fussed either way. I’m older, wiser, still full of wonder and curiosity and I feel ok. Long may it continue!!Do listen to the TED talk with link above. A rousing call to arms for Age Pride. Sign me up. A most impressive argument very well presented. And I’m sure the book is worth reading also.
Thanks for covering Ashton Applewhite, whom I’d not heard of, in this post on TNMA today. Much food for thought.Jeanne Edwards says:
Haven’t really got a problem with aging and I recently turned 75. I am very young at heart and still fall into fits of giggles with my children/grandchildren! I do laugh a lot too. My motto is eat healthily (I cook from scratch daily ) . Lots of veg/fruit. Eat fish 3 times a week, chicken twice a week, one vegetarian meal and just one meal with red meat a week. Walk 30 mins most days. Have good social life , meeting friends for coffee/lunch . Have my hair styled every 7/8 weeks. Love clothes !
Was diagnosed with polymyalgia rheumatica 8 weeks ago, which is a very painful inflammatory condition and am on a cocktail of drugs, including steroids, which I need to take for up to two years, otherwise it will come back. The side effects of drugs have been horrendous, but I have kept going . Made sure I put my make up on every day, kept my smart appearance up ,! socialised etc, even though I have had such bad days…no pain….just feeling of weakness etc. Friends say….but you look so well…and I take it as a compliment !!
I make the most of each day and try not to complain . Just pleased I am still here! Hear of people dying of cancer etc, in their 40’s , leaving young families, surviving partner having to be the breadwinner and having to cope with it all…… Puts it all into perspective !
Jeanne
Tara Vaughan-Hughes says:
Love the post, and especially love the quotation from Madeleine L’Engle. (I think you’ve got a typo in her name….)
Thank you. I’m 78 but I thought I was just 35. I can’t wait to read this blog and book. To be honest I don’t think of my age and I’m surprised when I realize “Hey, I’m an old woman but i don’t feel like it, unless I’ve just spent an entire day at Universal Studios.” Then I get tired. But I’m blogging, learning lots of new programs, I’m in a book club with all young women, I’m planing on flying in a Spitfire this Fall.”” So where is the age?
Kate says:
I’m a frequent reader but I don’t think I have commented before. I am 53 and I assist as I am able for caring for my mother who is 77. I live in the US. I don’t know what goes on in other countries, but here your path is much easier as you age if you have money, lots of money.
I’m a nurse who has spent most of my career around older adults. I appreciate the message of being ageful. However I am puzzled about the “diapers, depression and dementia” part. If it doesn’t lie ahead at some point for us, we will likely see our siblings, parents, spouses, classmates and friends struggle with these issues at some point.
My 77 year old mother has vascular dementia and urinary incontinence. I personally like to avoid the word diaper, myself. My husband had surgery for prostate cancer which left him with some urinary incontinence issues. He’s 57.
I never dreamed my mom would struggle as she does now. When she was my age she was in great shape.
I appreciate all the resources for women of a certain age to dress with style. After all, none of us wants to look like we shopped from the Blair catalog. US readers may get the reference. But as I shop for my mom it is tough to find clothes that aren’t dowdy or matronly that meet her specific needs….she has limited mobility in her shoulders and buttons are tough.
I think we all have notions of what respect and good care of the elderly look like. My mom took care of her own mother in some form or another for almost 20 years. Some of these years my grandma lived with us. Caring for her mother meant she sacrificed many things, including working and pursuing other things she enjoyed. In the countries where we feel the elderly are most respected and well cared for, it is mostly female family members doing the work, with no compensation. We don’t often speak of this. I just wanted to point that out. My mom was an only child so she was the only one who could do the work of caregiving.
I absolutely need to work so I can save for my retirement, amongst other things. As time goes on I am not sure how I will manage the increasing amounts of caregiving my mom will need. I have a sister but she has proven herself inappropriate as a caregiver due to her struggles with alcoholism.
I am sorry for everything you are going through. It’s a real burden, one that can bring gifts, but so hard. My mom was 86 when she died in March, living in a memory care facility 10 minutes from my house. I was her trustee for finance and health, although my sibilings helped, it was a lot.
One thing, I found that I could dress my mom well from Target – she who had owned designer originals at one point in her life. Black ponte pants (too hard for caregivers to help her otherwise) and striped button front shirts, in pretty colors. It became her signature. Oh, and fake pearls and attention to her hair, new lipsticks, also from Target. Dressing Mom was one way for me to have some fun with what was a very tough time.
I wish you all the best. I hope you have people in your life who can focus on you.
Maisie says:
I am nearly 70, and like many others who commented here, I don’t feel my age unless I think about it. But I know if I could go back say 20 years I’d see a woman who could clean her house and not feel ready to drop afterwards ! I can still run upstairs though ! I do get a cold shiver when I think of what may be around the corner, failing health, dementia etc. That’s why we need TNMA, with it’s positive message, and the equally inspiring comments !
Both Kate and Maisie raise some valuable points about the realities of life if one is suffering oneself or caring for a spouse or parent with real health problems. Being a member of the “active elderly” defined as sixty five plus, is fine as long as one retains mobility and isn’t suffering from a painful or debilitating health condition. And a financial cushion and some security also play their part.
I think back how much more afflicted my mother was at my age : Meunière disease, detached retina, bad arthritis, loss of hearing, and finally from her mid-70s a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s Disease. As one of her carers before she had to move into a nursing home, and then the only one of her children available to visit and oversee how to pay the fees, supervise her life until her mid-80s. Fear of dementia as expressed in the original post here by Alyson and in the Ashton Applewhite TED talk goes way beyond a generalised anxiety ( she cites the low percentage of those getting dementia in later life). If you’ve seen it develop, watched a close relative succumb to these devastating illnesses, one can scarcely bear the prospect of living through it oneself.
The secret is to live as best one can in the Now. To be grateful to be healthy and functional while this is the case, to enjoy experiences and life. And to then meet whatever comes next. Or so I try to do at this point in time.Angie says:
I joined in as a volunteer for a charity called Contact The Elderly years ago. I badly needed to get back into ‘being with people’ after an illness. I thought being with older people might be a challenge I could manage! On my first outing to tea at a host’s home (with the volunteers acting as drivers to deliver the ‘oldies’) I wondered what on earth we would find to talk about -what a surprise I had. the conversation ranged from politics to sport (they were rugby fans), gardening to fashion, wartime romances and one lady revealing she had been parachuted into France as a girl to work with the French Resistance! Dull it was not, I had a job keeping up. These people (mostly in their eighties and nineties) are an inspiration to all of us who let things slide and get lazy about trying something new. They all say that they ‘feel’ the same as they did in their twenties and thirties, still having fun with clothes and jewellery, handbags and shoes and hair and make-up. I highly recommend talking to the older generation, they have so much to offer us younger women (sixty plus) and are indeed very wise and forgiving when it comes to our fretting over family problems, work worries and putting the world to rights. We have a really good laugh and I get some great advice. -the best being, as you so rightly remind us Alison, is to be yourself
I am 64 and rarely do I feel that old. I was blessed with a Gram who lived beyond 101 years. I have always believed her secret was she kept moving physically and she never stopped learning new things. She practiced kindness and gratitude which drew people of all ages to her. During the last ten years of her life, we became best girlfriends never noticing the 45 years between us. That was at the root of the most important lesson she taught me, that age is not a score.
Vera-D. says:
Sorry I disagree with Ashton Applewhite. I’ve pointed out before that math isn’t her strong point. She is completely wrong with her stats on how many people end up in care or have Alzheimer’s. We don’t even test routinely for Alzheimer’s so there are no accurate numbers. By including people 65 in her numbers, everything is skewed too low. In my region in Canada, approximately 1/3 of people over 85 are in institutional care. That doesn’t include anybody getting home care or tended to by family. The countries that supposedly “revere” the elderly do so on the backs of women, so women with no prospects of having a life of their own. In Japan they call it “endless caregiving” and it got so bad that many young women refused to marry as they were expected to look after elderly in-laws for decades as their duty. In countries like India you can hire low-caste women for a pittance. We do the same thing in North America. The elder-care-industry reeks of “massah and the slaves” to me, an army of the privileged classes tended to by low-status immigrant and black women.
I find positive aging is very “Emperor’s New clothes.” If you asked people to pick any time of life to live in, nobody is picking over 40 never mind over 65. The other “fake” measure is the “happiness curve.” We are “happiest at the beginning and end of life.” Sure babies are happy, and my cats sure are. That isn’t a measure of anything. We need to spend more time and research on extending the good parts of life, not pretending that old age is good.
Give me a truthful Judy Dench instead. “There’s nothing good about being my age. Someone said to me, ‘You have such a wealth of knowledge,’ and I just said ‘I’d rather be young and know nothing, actually.’ Bugger the wealth of knowledge.”
Hello Vera,
Thanks for your comment. I did wonder if the stats in the US varied from the UK, as (I think) Alzheimer’s and dementia are on the rise here. And I didn’t know about young women in Japan refusing to marry…. I agree with you, we do need to take a realistic view of ageing, it is not easy ride and (as with any life stage) having money helps. But I am interested in identity, representation and how older people are viewed. Hence, I really like Ashton Applewhite’s idea of agefulness as opposed to dismissing old age or being in a state of denial.
PS LOVE the Dame Judi quote.Dame Judy Dench is still in demand and still working. Though I read she has quite impaired eyesight now and difficulty in reading her lines. Workarounds have been found so she can still act. Good for her. And for all those older people who are still on television and appearing in films.
Just one last comment, if I’m allowed… Jeanne’s and Kate’s stories really touched me, and I just want to wish them all the best for the future.
This really resonated with me, Alyson. That we should begin to be mindful of the language we use around ageing.
I’m 56 and actually proud to say how old I am and that I’ve actually got this far. It’s nothing to do with looking younger than I am either. That doesn’t bother me. I want to look my best of course but younger isn’t even on the agenda for me.
I also work in what is regarded as a young people’s profession {digital/tech marketing} and they always look surprised to see me at events!
I’m going to search out This Chair Rocks.
It’s months since I looked at TNMA, I have been de-cluttering and moving my dad into an Extra Care facility. Kate’s comments resonated with mine. I’m glad someone’s did. Dad has vascular dementia and Alzheimers disease. He ran marathons into his 60’s and has always been athletic and looked after himself. The last two years have been immensely difficult for me and my partner who has supported me. Becoming a Nana has been delightful, but I cannot help feeling resentment towards the caring duties for my Dad as it takes me away from my trying to build my very small business and my grandchildren. I’ve been my Dad’s emotional support since I was 11 years old and had very little from him over the years, not all carers help because they have a truly loving relationship with their parent, do they? I’m not sure what’s going on in my head for me at the moment. Getting a balance has been challenging and my mental health has suffered. I’ve got so much to say, made little videos, thought about creating a blog, but my goodness it would just be too depressing and I don’t think I’ll get to the space where I can make the time. The book sounds interesting, but I don’t think I’m in the mood to spend money on it or read it at present. Also, no one has mentioned the extra years we now have to ‘work’ to get our state pensions now in the UK? Sorry if I sound depressing, there are some positives in my life. I think it was Kate who mentioned how access to wealth/resources puts a different light on how we fear aging, or potentially facing dementia? I agree to a certain extent that if one is lucky enough to be financially secure, it helps. However, the thought of becoming like my father is particularly daunting and I seem to be focussing on it a lot lately. I think if the book helps with that fear then maybe someone could tell me? Then I’ll get it. Nearly deleted this, and then thought, what the heck, put it out there. Love to all those who are caring too!
Flora says:
I’m 73 like a lot of us my brain hasn’t kept up with my body. I’m a genuine baby boomer conceived just before my father was demobbed. I can remember sweets being rationed but I can also remember my Grannie asking ‘What’s a teenager?’. Anyone my age lived through a great and, in the UK, mostly peaceful and prosperous period, free higher education, medical, family planning etc as well as wear anything fashion if that was your thing, Ban the bomb marches, anti Vietnam war protests. I wish I’d kept all my jumble sale clothes, now called vintage. Anyway, sorry to ramble, what I’d like to do is speak up for today’s young people maybe women younger than I am feel touched by ageism but I am only conscious of respect which works both ways. Plenty of horrible oldies out there who don’t deserve respect.
After reading Ashton’s book, I attended a workshop that she gave here in Denver. My life has been forever changed because of what I have learned. Thanks for posting and let’s move forward with “age pride!”
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Hi Alyson
You got to me I have taken an ageless line since I worked in youth marketing and hit 30. Never actually admitted to anything over 29 for fear of being seen as unable to do my job anymore. That fear has stayed with me since. I remember when you did a piece on me and I absolutely didn’t want to mention my age. I am going to read This Chair Rocks. I may even start owning my age. Baby Steps xx Mags