Finding new friends in midlife
Out on a first date once, I knew there wouldn’t be a second when the seemingly nice man opposite me said, ‘I think friends are overrated, don’t you?’… The importance of friendship might seem obvious; indeed Aristotle back in the fourth century BC said: ‘No one would choose to live without friends, even if he had all other goods’, but it wasn’t until the tail end of the 20th century that it became the subject of serious study. Since then research has shown that having good friends has benefits for your brain health, heart health and mood, and could even help you live longer. I think it’s important to be open to the idea of making new friends, even if you’re not actively seeking them, and not to feel we’ve got enough. Friendships ebb and flow, people change jobs, move house, or even die.
Keeping old friends
Most of us became accustomed to less frequent social contact during the pandemic, at least in person. Emails, texts, phone calls, social media and video-calls with good friends are invaluable, but they can’t take the place of in-person interaction. Up to 93 per cent of communication is non-verbal and silences, frozen screens and dodgy sound quality can all interfere.
Professor Robin Dunbar, evolutionary psychologist at the University of Oxford, and author of Friends, has said you need to see your closest friends at least once a week. I’d say many of us would struggle to achieve that, although he does concede that other forms of not-in-person contact can help towards keeping the relationship alive.
Familiar faces
During the pandemic we also missed out on those casual, fleeting moments of shared grumbling about the weather, strangers saying, ‘Ooh, I like your shoes,’ or even the exchange of silent glances and raised eyebrows at someone else’s antics. I remember talking about this with my partner during lockdown, and we decided that all these little events topped up your social interaction tank, and it was missing out on these that led to the feelings of, well, maybe not quite loneliness, but definitely a lack of human contact.
In 1973 Mark Granovetter, a sociology professor at Stanford University, coined the term ‘weak ties’ for this type of relationship: those you don’t know well, like neighbours you nod to, colleagues, fellow dog-walkers, members of your ukulele band, stitch and bitch circle or yoga class, even people who wait at the station at the same time. His ground-breaking paper called ‘The strength of weak ties’ revealed how important this type of interaction is for our wellbeing.
Making new friends
Sometimes it’s distance, not disease, that divides us. I’ve recently moved to a new city. Friends and family have visited, and mates came on a day trip. I already know a couple of people here, via my partner, and have socialised with them and some of their friends, and a former colleague lives in the next town, but I feel I need to make new local connections for myself.
Previously I’ve made friends with workmates and housemates, as well as fellow drinkers in my local’s, but now I work from home and live with my partner, so I need to look further afield.
To that end, I’m working ‘not from home’ some of the time, in co-working spaces (and a local Brewhouse pub, which has a bargain £10 workspace deal; other pubs also do this), and although I haven’t quite reached the stage of getting a ‘colleague’ to answer my phone for me, as seen in the BBC2 series Motherland (series 2, episode 6), I’ve certainly had some interesting chats.
Sharing an interest is a tried and tested way of connecting, so I’ve joined a book club, which also has social events, the Ramblers (‘Find new walks, fall in love with the great outdoors and make new friends by joining the Ramblers today.’), I’m volunteering at my local park (visit do-it.org to find volunteering opportunities nearby), and joining a choir. All of these activities will top up my ‘weak ties’ tank, and some of those ties may strengthen in time.
Jeffrey Hall, a communications professor at the University of Kansas, says it takes 50 hours to turn acquaintanceship into friendship, so if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to go and spend some more time with some people…
Adrienne Wyper is a health and lifestyle writer and regular TNMA contributor.
Photo by Ari Seth Cohen the founder of Advanced Style. Apparently, the next book Ari will be working on is Advanced Friendship; his other books are available HERE.
Discussion (33 Comments)
Elsa says:
We relocated 6 years ago; I was just 60 and ‘retired’. I’ve found it such a struggle. Tried the volunteering, book club (terrible book choices and with non frequent readers), walking group (we walk around 5 miles per day on a bad day), they only walked approx 2 miles in total and so cliquey, it’s so damned hard. Still got my old buddies but it’d be nice to go for a coffee with a girlfriend instead of my husband. Any other ideas?
Hello Elsa, Mr TNMA’s sister recently moved out of London and has made friends through Silver Swans dance, and yoga classes. Oh and she’s just got a puppy. Hope that helps!
Leslie in Oregon says:
Making friends through one’s dog/s can be wonderful. Take your dog for walks (and ditch the earbuds, headphones and mobiles that isolate you from what is going on around you)!
O_Joannie says:
Yes! I personally dislike the earbuds, headphones, etc., while taking a walk. Let us not isolate others + let us listen to our own thoughts while walk-meditating.
Miss Nell says:
I retired a year ago and relocated 6 months later a long way away from my closest friends. I’ve had the “have you made any friends yet?” question (often followed up by “I simply don’t know how you manage without them”) so many times that I now simply ignore it! I know people are interested but the pressure this creates can be significant as if there is some sort of timeline I need to meet and I’m failing dismally (and maybe deep down that’s exactly what I believe!) I think a network of friends is critical to a woman’s life, something central to the way we think and connect to a community, to the way we express our feelings and seek support. I deeply miss not going for coffee, having long lunches with freewheeling conversations, sipping drinks to end the day, spontaneous catch-ups and laughing and crying together – and yes it is impacting my mental health. However, my dearest friends all came to me through the most unforeseen and unexpected circumstances and deep down I feel that new friends will probably arrive in exactly the same way! I’m still doing the exercise classes, going to yoga, sussing out book clubs and the like as I don’t expect a new friend to suddenly materialise at my front door. Good luck Elsa, I absolutely get where you’re coming from x
That’s a very good point, Nell. It is hard to make new friends. If I’m being perfectly honest my network is small and I should make more of an effort; what with Covid and one thing and another I’ve become very ‘locked down’. One of my oldest friends, who lives nearby, I’ve known from school, another newer friend of approx 10 years, I met at Pilates. We got chatting while waiting for the class to start and had a laugh and lot in common. It is lovely to have someone to go for coffee, a walk, or early evening drinks with.
Anna says:
Hi Elsa, in my area the local Council offer a programme of over-50s exercise classes in a range of local venues. They’re mixed ability with attendees from fit-50 to youthful-70s. I found this a fantastic way to meet people as there’s no pressure to make conversation straight away. After attending a few classes regularly for a few weeks, it simply feels natural to say hello to any familiar faces at the start, to smile at the people standing / dancing next beside you during class, and to stay behind to chat for a few minutes at the end. There are many natural conversation openers (‘have you tried xxxx class, what did you think?’) and if you feel you might click with someone, it’s low-risk to suggest you continue chatting over a quick coffee afterwards then see what happens. I made a very dear friend in this way, and we’ve now been seeing each other weekly for over 5 years for coffee, drinks, dinners and theatre trips (often to watch contemporary dance as a shared love). If you haven’t already, perhaps you could check your council website or local sports centre website to see if they have a similar scheme? I believe AgeUK also fund some schemes, but please don’t be put off by the dreary photos on their website, in my experience the classes are variable but often brilliant fun! https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/in-your-area/exercise/
Susan says:
I’d love to meet up with you though I doubt we live near each other. I’m in a very similar situation and live in British Colombia, Canada.
Cindy says:
The photo by Ari Seth Cohen is beautiful – 2 people connecting with one another. I recommend his books Advanced Style, and his latest one titled Advanced Love. Beautifully illustrated with wonderful stories behind the photos.
Connecting with people, regardless of whether it’s a casual or a close relationship, is important for one’s physical and mental health. Thank you, Adrienne, for this article.Try Soroptimists! Think Best of Sisters.
Soroptimist International has clubs all over the world. It is a women’s service organisation, volunteering to improve the lives of women and girls locally and internationally. Find out more at http://www.SIGBI.org.uk or https://www.soroptimistinternational.org/.Siobhan Currie says:
Great article. I love the idea of topping up your tank of social interactions. I made some friends of all different ages through a local campaign to save a wood from development – you have a shared interest and something to focus on to get to know people! Or join the Green party guaranteed lovely people. Luck to you all x
Elizabeth Scott says:
Like many of us, my close friends have either died or are scattered all over the country, so in order to top up my tank I’ve recently joined my local u3a, open to all who are either partly or fully retired. Dozens of interest groups from geology to Jazz, quilting to Ukelele. I’ve joined Americana (music), short walks and wine groups, which should at the very least be good shared fun.
Lucy says:
Stateside TNMA fan here! This topic is of such interest to me. I’m what’s known as an extroverted introvert. I make friends and acquaintances fairly easily (extrovert side) but then struggle to make time for them in between a busy full-time job, (working hard at 58), husband, dogs, exercise, need for down time, etc. (introvert side). Before the pandemic, it got to the point where I simply couldn’t keep up and wound up disappointing friends. I’m now having to honor my introvert energy levels and yes, that means fewer friends. I still struggle with this dilemma as I find people so fascinating–but I just can’t keep up with them, especially the extroverts. I greatly miss those loose ties referenced in the post … maybe because they fill my “people hunger” for a few moments without requiring more time and energy. Snackable socializing!
As I’m re-reading this, it sounds a bit obnoxious–too many friends when others are struggling to meet people–but I do think the introversion factor is an important part of this equation. Having said that, I’ll add that it’s also important to risk rejection. I recently e-mailed a friend that I’d fallen out of touch with–we had been in a pre-pandemic writing group together–and she’s not responded! It stings a bit, but nothing ventured, nothing gained … OK. End of ramble! Love your blog Alyson, as well as guest posts like these, thank you so much!
AJ says:
Lucy, your comment resonated with me — I too am an extroverted introvert, and my general and pandemic experience with friendship mirrors yours. I miss my one-time best friend, a relationship that’s been withering away through a couple of moves and seems to have all but disappeared thanks to the pandemic. But to be frank, it has always been the “weak ties” that satisfied a lot of my need for outside-of-the home human contact and it’s those I miss, too, and I’d say, miss the most. I assumed, moving to a new city, that the weak ties/casual contacts would be the easiest to establish, but that move was 6 weeks before the first lockdown and I needn’t go into the rest. Keeping up remote friendships (and family visits) via Zoom/FaceTime has left me with little time and energy to pursue new ones in my new hometown, especially since it means navigating pandemic protocols (I’m in Canada where we are just starting to reopen) — I do think the challenges of friendship for introverts is a special and under-discussed area. Thanks to TNMA for raising the friendship theme!
Shelley says:
@AJ – totally agree with you – I’m an introvert who, truth be told, happily enjoys her own company for what to others may seem like extended periods of time. But I’m chatty and friendly in social settings, and make connections quite readily. It’s the making time and putting energy into deepening casual socialising that often defeats me.
To @Elsa’s earlier point – yes I’ve joined things after a major relocation weeks before lockdown 1. Not wonderful timing. Yes, I too have found some groups cliquey and a bit boring tbh. I’m working at keeping going, joining this and that, on the reasoning that I need to meet tens of new folk to make and build one new and closer friendship.
Anne says:
Lucy, thanks so much for articulating what I am – I love going into work for the social side and I’m very personable there and talk easily with people but get my fill pretty quickly, so have few deep friendships and I’m happy to be doing my own thing. Divorced for a long time and kids nearly off my hands, so I know I need to make new connections. Knowing there are other people like me makes me feel less weird and more OK
Sierra says:
An interesting article Alison, thank you.
For those struggling to meet new friends and don’t mind walking, please try joining a Walking for Health group near you. It’s mainly retired people on the weekday walks, but as some groups walk on a Saturday or Sunday there’s no age limit. I’ve been going for some time and it’s a great way to meet new friends. Group members are friendly and you will always have someone to walk/ chat with, unless of course you prefer walking on your own. I have been amazed at some of the places we walk through, I never realised we had so many hidden treasures tucked away that you don’t see when driving through.
There are 3 different ability groups short, medium and long. The short group suited me well when recovering from surgery, but I usually attend the medium walk, which is around 2.5 to 3 miles in an hour. The long walkers walk at a faster pace and usually cover around 4 miles. The walks here start at a different venue each week and we nearly always have a chat over coffee and biscuits afterwards, usually hosted by a local church, club or coffee shop. Here’s the link:
https://www.walkingforhealth.org.uk/walkfinderMrs Tonia says:
Thanks Sierra for this suggestion. I looked this up. Two near me in parks I walk in already. When spring arrives I may well follow this up.
I agree with several contributors about joining exercise classes. When I moved I met new acquaintances via yoga classes and at swimming pool. But closest friends still remain those I’ve known for a long time. Covid lockdowns prohibited many meet ups. So zoom get togethers and face time chats and regular messaging have had to stand in for meeting in person in real life. At least the technology is available to maintain the connections.That’s great Mrs Tonia! I hope you find a friendly group. It’s healthy mentally and physically. Oh, and it’s free!
Linda Hind says:
I have friends from childhood and teenage years, but our lives diverged when I had my daughter almost 50 years ago. She has Down Syndrome and has since developed chronic illnesses that require daily treatment. She never developed much language and friend’s children found her weird or creepy (their words). We still got together, but of course we all became centred on our childrens’ lives. I also battled depression and anxiety for years and was often housebound. It was just the way things went.
Now I’m 73 and I just don’t have the energy or desire to make new friends or keep up with old ones who are far away or very busy. My husband now has dementia and can no longer share the work as he did for years.. When I do get my day out I just want to be by myself and enjoy doing nothing. Friends take a lot of effort and provide benefits, I know, but I’m selfish and content with the way things are right now. Love your posts and hope all these lovely ladies stay well.Yvonne says:
I know what you mean about having no energy left at the end of the day and wanting to be by yourself. I feel that way too but if you decide that you would like a new friend, I would like to be there for you just to chat and offer support. Take care and all the best to you!
Kristen says:
My heart goes out to you, Linda., not from pity but from understanding. I’m a widow for 7 years now with 2 children. The eldest has a myriad of things we must keep working on thru adulthood. It’s what we do, but that, along with the weight of family worries on my shoulders, leaves me with little energy to venture out. It’s easy to think every year of life must be worked out perfectly in balance, but that’s just not so for some of us. Sometimes life’s balance of joys and obligations must be viewed over decades to make sense.
Josanne says:
Lucy, WOW, read your post and thought I had written it. The pandemic made me realize some of what you wrote and allowed me to re-evaluate. I am retired and in November started as a part time host at a Nordstrom (US Department Store) restaurant. This has given me an outlet for being social.
Also, I have had great luck making friends through Meetup, shared interests and common goals. Not sure if this is a US only organization. Thanks Alyson and other readers for your suggestions.Josanne, I am laughing, because once I asked a friend what else she could see me doing besides my corporate job, and she said … “hostessing in an upscale restaurant.” You have my dream p/t retirement gig!
Jan says:
This hits so close to home. I have work friends but no close friends that are my age (over 50) and live close to me in Montreal. Day to day it doesn’t bother me as I still work full time and I have my partner and adult son to keep me company. But sometimes I just want/need the company of another woman in the same age range. I don’t even know where to start.
Julie Peloquin says:
Hi Jan! Well I live in Montréal West island, retired and would like meeting new friend! Coffee, shopping excursion why not? My English is so-so but looking forward to practice! Give me a shout if you want at “maisouicestjulie arrobar hotmail dot com”. Thanks to TNMA for always bringing up such interesting topics!
Elizabeth says:
Thank you Adrienne, and Alyson, for addressing this.
I had good school and university friends, but our lives diverged as I pursued a career which sent me to more distant rural areas (I’m in Australia), and then married a man with a similar career path. We were each other’s best friend until he became ill some years ago with a rare, wretched neurological disease which involves some dementia, as well as major physical disability. He is almost unable to speak. I am his carer, unable to leave the house, and quite isolated, except for the therapists who come to help my husband – they are very much a lifeline. Other than these wonderful folk, my only regular contacts are with family, who all live some distance away. . . I fear that I rely too much on our son and his partner!
I wish that I had kept in contact with some old friends, as I would love to have someone to chat to sometimes, especially someone who knew us “before”, and to hear something of regular life, but realistically I have little spare time to chat at all.
I’m grateful for blogs like yours Alyson (which seem to be few), which allow me a little peep at the outside world, and in their own way provide some companionship of sorts.Another issue, for those who are partnered, is the challenge of making new couple friends. How to find a match with at least tolerable chemistry between all parties? Perhaps a topic for another post.
Amy Voorhes says:
I’ve moved a lot and found having a dog can be a wonderful way to meet people. Not only are they wonderful companions, but they’re a great excuse to meet everyone from toddlers (yes you may pat the dog) to elders out for their daily constitutional. Book groups can be risky, but adult ed classes (even on-line) are great. Sports are also good. I continue to make new friends of all ages through tennis, and when my knees give out I’ll take up pickle ball. Finally, I use an e-bike for all my daily errands, and that provides a lots of opportunity for cheerful chat — even in my car-centric home of Austin, TX!
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This is an area I find fascinating. Some years ago one of my partner’s best friends died aged 97. They had become friends about fourteen years earlier with a fifty seven year difference in their ages. The 97 year old had never lost the ability to make new friends of all ages from his activities as a musician and political campaigner. However I have seen so many people set their social circle in stone at some point in their lives and lose the habit of making first new acquaintances and ultimately, from some of those people, new friends. It takes effort of course but as we get older everything takes more bloody effort whether it’s exercise or going out but it’s vital if we are not going to atrophy mentally, physically and socially.
Keep at it in your new location Adrienne, you’ll probably have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the princes and princesses but they’ll be there!