Five things I’ve discovered about the menopause
Photo: Claire Pepper
I never really thought about the menopause until it happened to me, aged 50. The general lack of education, awareness and conversation surrounding menopausal symptoms, and how they affect women, meant that I wasn’t prepared at all. With so little information readily available, I have had to do a lot of fact-finding for myself. An experience that rings true with most of my friends.
In the UK, the average age to start the menopause is 51. However, it can typically start anywhere between 45 and 55. And according to the NHS, one in 100 women will experience early menopause. Whichever way you look at it, that’s a lot of women at any one time going through The Change, and I feel strongly that we shouldn’t go through it feeling isolated like our mothers’ generation. We know that shared knowledge is power, but we want more. More medical research and informed, supportive GPs, so that we don’t have to rely on passing information between ourselves like black-market spivs.
Fortunately, doctors, academic researchers, MPs, journalists, bloggers (like Henpicked) are starting to look forward, make a noise and make a difference. The more we talk about it and provide solid information and advice, the less scary and lonely it will become. Menopause isn’t a taboo, it’s a fact of life and it’s something that we will all experience. So with that in mind, here are five things that I’ve discovered about menopause.
YOU WILL FEEL HOT, TIRED AND ANGRY AND THAT’S OK
Menopause is a mental, emotional and physical change. Some of my friends have glided through it like Jane Torville in her heyday, whereas I’ve had more of a Tonia Harding-experience. Crashing around feeling hot, tired, angry and self-critical, a lot of the time. ‘It makes you feel like a psycho-killer,’ one of my friends, who has just started using HRT, said recently.
Over the past year, I’ve found HRT patches have reduced the hot flush factor and made me feel calmer. There are many different types of HRT and also different doses – and quite a few women I know are successfully using this approach. Others prefer non-hormonal methods, natural supplements such as black cohosh, and acupuncture. “It is important that women have an individualised consultation and receive the optimal type and dose of HRT for them,” advises GP and menopause expert Dr Louise Newson. “The current menopause guidelines are all clear that the benefits – including reduction of the risk of heart disease and osteoporosis – of taking HRT outweigh any risks for the majority of women.”
FORGETTING THINGS IS NORMAL
This is related to oestrogen depletion. Sometimes I forget really simple words and people’s names, or find getting out of the house in the morning takes an immense effort. Another friend had a job interview last week and even though she has loads of brilliant experience at a senior executive level, and was quite possibly overqualified for the position, she was worried that the combination of menopause and being in a pressurised situation would cause her to forget crucial facts.
Midlife is stressful, we are under a lot of social and financial pressures – balancing work, caring for children and elderly relatives. “Stress makes menopause worse; menopause symptoms are stressful,” explains professor Myra Hunter emeritus professor of clinical health psychology at King’s College London. Basically, we need to put the “pause” into menopause. Give ourselves a break. Look after our health, exercise, eat well and then introduce a half an hour period every day where we literally do nothing. “When you’re in that situation, it’s hard to unpick. Give more time to yourself: mindfulness and relaxation can help,” continues Hunter, “and from 55 onwards your general mood improves.” (Alyson Walsh aged 54 and three-quarters punches the air.)
Loose shirt and Levi’s
MENOPAUSAL WOMEN DON’T ALL WEAR LILAC CARDIGANS
Though advertisements targeted at the older demographic suggest otherwise, menopausal women do not all dress in shades of lilac and greige and share a relentless enthusiasm for the waterfall cardigan. Our body shape changes during menopause – these days I have a flabby middle and no bum. Now that oestrogen has left the building our metabolic rate slows down – we burn less fat and gain weight around the middle.
To accommodate this, over the last few years I’ve switched from signature grey marl T-shirts to open-necked, oversized shirts (try Arket, COS and MHL) and silk blouses (Winser London, & Other Stories). Looser garments in natural fabrics are the perfect way to keep cool and cover the flab, but I am still wearing my beloved jeans. High-waisted Mom jeans and a not-too-slouchy boyfriend-style are the new favourites, and are particularly useful for tucking everything in. MiH is good for both – try the Mimi and Phoebe styles – and I’m loving Levi’s 501s again. I’ll wear a lightweight blazer over a silk top (Winser London’s v-neck top is a grown-up take on the T-shirt) and sporty trousers or posh joggers. And even though I have to go to the loo more frequently (lower oestrogen levels affect the elasticity of urinary tract walls), I practically live in a jumpsuit; both Hush and Baukjen do lovely, lightweight versions.
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO STOP DRINKING WINE (BUT THERE’S ALWAYS GIN)
Reducing alcohol consumption is recommended during menopause – as if feeling angry all the time and shit about yourself wasn’t bad enough. But by relaxing the blood vessels and bringing more blood to the skin’s surface, wine, in particular, can trigger hot flushes, disturb sleep patterns and cause night sweats. To avoid a hot flush fest, I tend to drink less wine or just drink wine with food and plenty of water. Late-night drinking has been replaced by an early evening gin and tonic or a couple of beers. Better still, meet friends for weekend lunch and have a drink then instead.
Photo via Vulture
THERE’S NO TWO WAYS ABOUT IT, YOUR VAGINA WILL GET DRY
One of the first symptoms I noticed – and the worst of all (in my opinion) is vaginal dryness – or atrophy, to give it its proper medical name. Reduction in oestrogen levels affects the walls of the vagina, they become thinner, dryer and less elastic. This can be painful and itchy and lubrication is required during sex. Feeling hot and bothered and wondering if my sex life is over, I arrange yet another 10-minute consultation with the doctor. Cramming in menopausal symptoms like nobody’s business, I manage to mumble my way through the list on my phone, including what I simply refer to as dryness. I come out feeling delighted that I am no longer part of what Frankie (Lily Tomlin) in Netflix’s Grace & Frankie refers to as the “dry, silent majority”.
Kathy Abernethy, a menopause specialist nurse and author of Menopause: The One-Stop Guide, suggests that part of the problem is that women are embarrassed to talk about the issue, so they buy lubricants and products that don’t work and think that they can’t solve the problem. “If you go through menopause at the usual time, it’s not surprising that you need a lubricant. You just have to build this into your routine,” she says. Recommending that we ditch bubble bath and bath oils that can aggravate dryness, she continues, “Sylk and Yes VM natural vaginal moisturisers are both really good, they do the job – but you might need vaginal oestrogen, too. Vaginal dryness is not like hot flushes, it won’t get better on its own.” For more information read this.
But the good news is: no more periods. And my friend got the job, by the way.
This is an edited version of a feature I’ve written for The Pool, read the entire article HERE.
USEFUL LINKS
Discussion (89 Comments)
little brown bird says:
I’m lucky that I’m sailing through perimenopause though I will admit to being terminally irritable 😉
I’ve found seeing a nutritionist has helped keep me healthy and I’ve found that reformer pilates keeps me sane and fit. I’ve even found more energy and taken up ParkRun, though I’m more a ParkJogger
There are some great resources available and just talking about it to my friends takes away the feeling that you’re not alone in the M journey and that there is support and advice if you need it.
Claire B says:
Great post! I had an early menopause , which started at around 39. I found out later that my mum had also had an early menopause but had never thought to mention it (we didn’t talk about things like that in our family)! I had just started an art degree as a mature student and although I didn’t have too many hot flushes etc I just couldn’t cope with the exhaustion, so went on HRT. It was fantastic and completely normalised everything. Although I felt very depressed when I first went started the menopause (the leaflet I was given at the drs showed a woman, yes, in lilac cardigan, who looked 20 years older than my mum), in the end I had a very easy menopause. I’m 60 now – can I still put forgetfulness and tiredness down to the menopause? I use Vagifem for dryness and find it helps hugely. Although prone to weight round middle I haven’t really put much weight on generally thankfully, but I do feel a bit creaky and am trying to exercise more for that. And I would love a jumpsuit but the loo problem always puts me off! Some of my friends have been suffering from menopausal symptoms for 10 years, so I feel very lucky. And yes, I have told my daughters that they too will probably go through an early menopause!
ps I’m really glad you mentioned getting out of the house, I thought it was just me!Kelly Merrick says:
I had an early menopause at 35, and after being part of a Guy’s Hospital study on Premature Ovarian Failure, I learnt quite a bit, and there is no genetic link i.e. it isn’t hereditary, so your daughters shouldn’t worry too much. They may be that 1 person in 100, but they may be lucky. Oh and isn’t HRT amazing! 🙂
Susan Wright says:
Wow.. I had early menopause too, at around 39, and found out that so had my mother. I’ve been worried about my daughter who just got married last year and will be 35 this year. No children yet. Still seems odd that both my mother and I started the same age, but if that study’s definitive, it’s quite encouraging.
Btw.. I had both my children late and was still nursing my son when I found out I’d been through or was going through it. I didn’t realize what was happening because I was thinking all the symptoms were by products of having a toddler and a nursing baby etc.
Lesley Somerville says:
Sometimes it really hits home how much harder it was for our mothers and grandmothers, and still is for so many women around the world. Education of all kinds, for women and girls, is so so liberating, literally.
Ciara says:
I love being post menopause except for the dry vagina, I could do something about it but, to be honest could not be arsed. My favourite things are no period and pretty much no unsolicited attention from men. Yes, I am one of those women delighted by being ‘invisible’, and I am sure that I am not alone in that regard.
You’re not alone, Ciara. I’m quite happy not to have random men shouting ‘I wish I was your saddle’ at me when I cycle down the street…
Melanie says:
Yes, it’s so important to share information and personal experience. I thought I would end up like my mother, who gained literally 100 pounds during menopause and was impossibly angry all the time. She had lots of bleeding and hot flashes…and I had none of that. So part of sharing information is that it’s different for everyone. I had few if any hot flashes. My period just stopped — no irregular periods or heavy bleeding. Yes to the vaginal dryness, though I have a vaginal estrogen ring that helps. I still need lots of lubricant for sex, and I need to get the engine running first. The really great thing that you did not address is that I still have a huge desire for sex (I am 57) — lots of stuff out there about waning sex drive and no more orgasms. NOT TRUE. Get a vibrator if you need help, but don’t give up on the big O as it will keep you feeling young!
Lizzie-Anne says:
True! (About not giving up on the big O). I’m 70 and have better (although less frequent) sex now (still with same partner/husband since 1970) than when tiredness from work, house, children and life in general sometimes made it a chore!
I, like you had not spoken to anyone about the menopause, not even my mum, who, I remember seeing in my teenage years looking uncomfortable and hot, but we never discussed it. So, I was not prepared, because it was a big taboo. I felt really unwell around the fifty mark, then, following blood tests, I was told I was going through the menopause, plus, I had an underactive Thyroid condition – no the wonder I felt the way I did, think I may have been a little unruly around this time (my poor hubby). I remember saying I just wanted to feel normal, as I was starting to resemble an alien. Nowadays, I am on HRT plus my thyroid is under control so I feel more or less back to my old self. I’m not keen on taking medication I must add, but sometimes it’s a life saver. Oh, the joys of getting older!!
Sarah S says:
Oh my lord yes – completely the same re the “wondering if my sex life was all over” such was the pain! And no amount of ‘over the counter’ lubricants did the trick. Topical (cream) oestrogen was the answer though am happy to report.
SElizabeth says:
This should be required reading for all premenopausal women. Don’t we just flounder about until it hits us!? I didn’t suffer too badly although I was angry at stupid things, and I think the best thing I did was start on a college course just before menopause hit, I dint have time to think about it! I used HRT for a couple of years, having tried alternative therapies which helped but didn’t hit the spot. And, whilst I suffered vaginal dryness at the time, maybe until I started HRT, I now find, well into my 60’s that it’s not a problem! Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones. I remember reading a book years ago by Germaine Greer where she stated that the body would sort itself out, and I’ve found that to be the case. Well, except for the gravity issues and suchlike! Thanks for such a great article.
Thank you so much for this excellent and matter of fact article! No coyness, no alarmist stuff just straightforward common sense. and helpful information. Menopause sucks but you don’t have to put up with it. I had had enough gynae problems with endometriosis, infertility and miscarriage, so menopause was the last straw. I went on HRT patches as soon as I realised what was happening and they truly make life bearable.
Barbara Thompson says:
Luckily for me, I have an older sister who I can talk to about anything. She was my source for menopause information as she is 17 years older than me. Another great resource is Christiane Northrop, who has written several books on women’s health, especially menopause.
LizA220560 says:
Thank goodness for HRT! I’ve been taking it for 5 years (I’m 58), accidentally had time off (ran out, too busy to get to GP etc…) and within 2 weeks suffered overwhelming hot flushes and worst of all constant feeling need to wee, soreness and general physical misery. I plan to take it till my dying day!
At start of it all I did feel very miserable and mourned the loss of youth, fertility, my femininity. A useless, dried up husk, was how I saw myself. I know that sounds awful now, but I wonder how widespread this feeling is? I keep going to the gym, maintaining muscle and bone strength (osteoporosis and frailty fill me with dread), take my HRT, and have a new role as co-carer of 5-year old twin grandsons. That keeps me physically active and emotionally fulfilled. And yet…..And yet I haven’t recovered my former self-confidence in the bedroom. Maybe that’s gone for ever?Ruth says:
Great blog post, thank you. I’m 56 and have been out the other side for a few years now, and looking back apart from some epic night sweats at times, it felt minimally disruptive. The ongoing drier vagina is a bugger though. I had a five year smear test a few months ago and it was proper hard work. I was gutted as pre-50 I was one of those lucky people who barely registered having a speculum up me . The nurse told me there is a noticeable drop off for smear tests in my region (The NW) post-50 as a lot of women just can’t face the discomfort, and often a failure to take a viable sample.
Lea says:
Gosh Ruth – this is exactly what I have just been through. My smear test on Monday was a disaster. The nurse didn’t help telling me I was dried up as she peered in. She told me to see the Dr for HRT or topical oestrogen. It really upset me seeing as I managed a horrible time 6 years ago with Homeopathy. I’m back on the research so thank you Alyson for this post x
Jeanne says:
I am the opposite. My dr had to use a Mini size speculum on me, since it hurt so much. No vaginal baby deliveries to widen things out. The dryness is the worst.
Thank goodness for HRT! I’ve been taking it for 5 years (I’m 58), accidentally had time off (ran out, too busy to get to GP etc…) and within 2 weeks suffered overwhelming hot flushes and worst of all constant feeling need to wee, soreness and general physical misery. I plan to take it till my dying day!
At start of it all I did feel very miserable and mourned the loss of youth, fertility, my femininity. A useless, dried up husk, was how I saw myself. I know that sounds awful now, but I wonder how widespread this feeling is? I keep going to the gym, maintaining muscle and bone strength (osteoporosis and frailty fill me with dread), take my HRT, and have a new role as co-carer of 5-year old twin grandsons. That keeps me physically active and emotionally fulfilled. And yet…..And yet I haven’t recovered my former self-confidence in the bedroom. Maybe that’s gone for ever?
And I have really loved reading everyone’s wonderfully honest comments. Especially about sex and post-menopause. It’s easy to talk about hot flushes but not so easy to take about vaginas, orgasms, loss of desire and feeling undesirable.Great article and will send on to some younger friends going through it and struggling. I’m almost 71, menopaused at 54, and still having hot flashes in the summer and occasionally with a glass of wine. My dear doc said the bad news is that she has an 80 yr old patient who still has flashing so I guess some of us are ‘luckier’ than others. The upside is that I seem to have more focus and openness for work (I’m a painter), with the faffing parts of life being left behind because they’re not interesting.
LgJanina says:
The best thing for me about going through the menopause was the how the monthly rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows just vanished. It feels like someone has switched off the wave machine and as someone who suffered periods of depression it’s just bliss!
Sford says:
I hadn’t realised that forgetfulness was linked until I mentioned it to a friend who had been through the same thing. Up until then I was seriously thinking about going to my GP concerned about possible early onset dementia (yes, really). Not remembering the words for door, yes, tea etc was actually quite concerning! Have now sat my husband down and explained all of the symptoms I have and those I could possibly get so he can understand that I am not being vague or angry and irritable for no reason!
Sar says:
Regarding the concern that the forgetfulness could be early dementia comment, I can totally relate to as that is me right now too. I am forgetting people’s names, experiences & even basic things, I am convinced that everyone must think I’m going cuckoo! So glad that I’ve read this!
Jeanne says:
I had this same thing tonight reading this blog. Couldn’t come up with the word viagra!! I had to google it. I’m in my60s and wonder if this is early dementia. I went through menopause at 50, and had no clue about perimenopause which was worse to me.. I was volatile and emotional much of the time.
Elizabeth says:
Thank you to everyone here. For me, it was the vagueness, the menopausal fog, which culminated in my locking myself out of my flat! HRT medication did wonders, despite the (younger) busybody pharmacy assistant hinting I’m taking a great risk (based on what a doctor told me is a flawed study). Just you wait!
CatbirdFarm says:
So much love for HRT in the comments! I know there was a flawed study that threw a spanner into the works a while back. But, even taking that flawed study into account, it’s important to know not all well-informed medical professionals are sold on HRT. My own doc, who trained in Japan and the US and now works out of a major Northeastern US teaching hospital, keeps very up to date on research and her opinion is that the risks do not outweigh the benefits. Just wanted to put that out there for women still weighing their options. Because the more information we share, the better, right?
Gillian says:
I felt exactly the same! And I’m a conference interpreter. It was horrendous when the words just didn’t come and I was convinced I had dementia too.
The only time I ever got a complaint about my work was during that time and I wish I had known the reason and also had the coursge to tell my boss ‘I’m menospausal! I didn’t mess up on purpose”.
So happy to see the information getting out there.
Karen says:
great and to the point, thankyou Alyson.
Years in a ‘girls only’ school, with positively Victorian
approach to biology, mostly drawing cross-sections of
buttercups!, was no help in understanding the female body.Fiona Slade says:
Thanks for the brilliant article. I found it difficult to access information a few years ago, but now follow Maryon Stewart who is a menopause expert and helps women through the menopause using diet, supplements and exercise, rather than HRT, so everything is natural.
Martha K says:
I am now out the other side (thank goodness). I found it rough because it aggravated my migraines and I had them 3 and 4 times a week during my early 50s. My Dr. helped me with medication and pinpointing my triggers, but still, it’s great to be through it, and yes, your mood improves!
Joyce Morris says:
I was ultra determined that I wasn’t going to resort to HRT. However, eventually, it was that or die. I took it for five years and reclaimed my life. That was twenty years ago and I’m still alive, I think! What I found frustrating, at the time, was lots of different advice about whether it was safe or not. I have since seen a gynaecological physiotherapist, for a bladder problem and she told me I could go back on HRT now, (if I wanted to at 70). She was amazing. She travels the world going to lectures etc. and, consequently, is bang up to date with treatments etc. Basically don’t be afraid of resorting to HRT if you are struggling. I really did find it a life saver. Why suffer on a daily basis if there’s something to help, especially when we are talking about a relatively short period, sorry, of our lives.
Alison says:
Fantasic article. Alyson. I found being forgetful so upsetting. Now I tend to laugh and share it! What’s the point of apologising and pretending it is not happening. I have a 15 year old daughter and I want her to understand how this menopause is. How else can we break this ridiculous cycle of not talking about it. I am happy to say I am a 56 year old on HRT and genuinely loving life. I want her to see this is not an age to be dreaded and the menopause will happen. And it’s OK!
I read this and wanted to cheer!It hit me like a bus at 50 and, like you, was totally unprepared and found the information confusing and conflicting. Now at nearly 54, it is getting easier, but I wish I had read this at the beginning. Thank you for such an informative and helpful piece.
Jeffer Wright says:
A great article Alison – and a nice summary of my dissertation (an autoethnographic study of my menopause called Walking in Fog Trails). I have found yoga and particularly yoga nidra – a kind of yoga sleep – really useful. A great book for me is Sex, Meaning and the Menopause by Sue Brayne – for women and their partners – very accessible and informative. One thing that surprised me was that for the first time in my life I experienced anxiety – a common menopausal symptom. Like many women I had never heard of perimenopause until I was experiencing it. It’s so true that more information around perimenopause and menopause is desperately needed.
RM Pfeiffer says:
thank you for that piece! All true, I speak from experience. And there is not enough attention paid to this phase by many physicians
Karen Huff says:
Wonderful post. I really appreciate everyone’s frankness here. I also have been troubled by very dry eyes as a part of my menopause symptoms. I’m using lubricating eye drops, but now that the furnace is on here, it’s gotten a lot worse again. Does anyone know if HRT helps with that?
Geraldine says:
The optician told me that HRT makes dry eyes worse, it alters the shape of the eyeball?!! I have had blepharitis and dry eyes for some time and was struggling with contact lenses. I changed to a different type of lense. I have stopped HRT now (not for the dry eye reason but other reasons) and my dry eyes dont seem so bad. I would get advice from an optometrist.
Thanks Geraldine,
I was going to talk to both my doctor and optometrist. I imagine wearing contacts would be pretty challenging for me at this point! I didn’t expect this particular menopausal symptom.
Anna-Mari says:
Here in Finland some optometrists and gynecologists recommend sea buckthorn (capsules) for both dry eyes and mucosa, for vaginal dryness as well. For me it really has worked for dry eyes, so highly recommend to give it a try!
Roz says:
At the risk of sounding flippant ( I find it helps sometimes ), who wouldn’t want a trophy vagina ??
Cathey says:
I echo all those symptoms, but what is frustrating is the conflicting information on HRT, both bio and traditional. I had Bio for five years but came off it as advised by my GP. Went straight back into all the same symptoms. I noticed during this time opinions on traditional HRT are swinging round again. Currently reading a very informative book: Oestrogen Matters. I am now seriously thinking of going on traditional HRT.
Ann says:
I think this post is your mic-drop moment. Thank you, thank you. I’m 53 and had two previous periods of menopause that were medication-induced because I was going through IVF. Thankfully, those were brief. Now I’m a few years into the real deal and I am miserable. I am suddenly shaped like a bowling ball with feet and a tiny, foggy head. I had an ultrasound of my ovaries last year and the technician said she couldn’t find them. “Well, they shrivel up and get really small when you get old.” I’d have kicked her but she had the probe pressed up against my cervix and I feared its surgical removal from my sinuses.
I am so over menopause. So so so so soooooooo over it.
PS Your gray grow-in is looking beautiful. I’m a few months in to growing mine in as well.
Emma says:
I don’t want to be a sour grapes, but feel it needs saying. I started HRT at 57, after sleeplessness and hot flushes were getting too much for me. I felt amazing, lost weight, felt full of love and lust till, 6 months in, I was felled by a pulmonary embolism, followed by breast cancer. I had no antecedents for either ailment. Bad luck for sure, and I’m completely better now, but still, that stuff is not innocuous don’t forget.
Greetings and thanks for your ever enjoyable blog.Sandra Dickinson says:
Great to hear you’re better Emma. My mother took HRT and got breast cancer. Of course, we have no idea if they were connected. But it was enough to put me off. Fortunately, 10 months after my last period it all feels quite bearable (touch wood) apart from some flushes.
I hope you continue to go well and enjoy a long and healthy life!
Elizabeth says:
And unfortunately, those of us with oestrogen-positive breast cancer can’t use HRT or take hormones of any kind – so what are we to do?
Sharon Hodgson says:
Hi,
I completely endorse your perspective …. I have just returned to Uni to study naturopathy to combine with my pharmacy. Specialising in menopause- support. This is such a great need and women are suffering needlessly due to lack of basic knowledge and support. Well done for raising this topic. X SharonLesley says:
Lots of good information here. I officially reached menopause a year ago, when I was 57. So, I may (or may not) have all this to look forward to?? I am going to look up Maryon Stewart.
The memory thing has been interesting. My doctor suggested I think of my memory as a collection of filing cabinets, and every day I’m putting more stuff in some drawers, and filling up others, and occasionally adding another drawer. So naturally it takes longer to find things. Made sense to me, and now I don’t worry about it so much.
Mrs Tonia says:
A really helpful Frank article here Alyson which has elicited many replies as all health related posts seem to.
I’m well passed all of this fortunately being ten years senior to those writing in. Looking back I see I just put up with the weight gain and sweaty nights in silence surrounded by three men, hubby and two teenaged sons. I did consult an alternative medicine nurse because I decided against any form of HRT so had to find another solution. The reason : a sister who had had breast cancer, now in successful remission. At that time many books urged those with close relatives in this situation to avoid HRT so as not to up their chances of cancer.
I wore layers of natural fabrics and carried hand fans in my handbag and tissues to tamp chest, forehead and hairline. I think now I did have it too badly because all I did and upping consumption of vegetables and fruit with greater phytoestrogens seemed to help. I did up the exercise to fight the flab with regular swimming, aqua aerobics and a regular yoga practice several times a week which I’ve continued with to this day. The latter helped build muscles but more importantly calm the mind. And create a chill-out space when I went on weekend retreats from family. Knowing how to calm oneself and do deep breathing really helped when lying awake in the middle of the night mopping one’s brow with a sheet having pulled back all the bedclothes. From all of this I eventually lost the pauch and emerged more confident to deal with the midlife challenges of ageing dying relatives, bringing up children to successfully adulthood etc etc.
Good luck to one and all who are coping with symptoms of menopause. At least it is now out there and a topic of discussion on television ( Kirsty Walk comes to mine) and here. And there is always good old Boots or Superdrug or any other pharmacy with a shelf on display of lubricants to purchase without embarrassment.Judy O. says:
Kudos to you, Mrs. Tonia! I followed very much the same regime despite the fact that I had no relatives with breast cancer. The first few years after menopause at 52 really sucked — the sweating, sleepless nights and brain fog were difficult to bear, but I did it. After changing my diet, adding supplements, doing hot yoga , sauna sessions, meditating, etc. I’m feeling great, or as good as I possibly can.
The hardest thing for me is the vaginal dryness. I tried everything my gyn recommended but came up dry (pardon the pun). All that was suggested were Sylk, creams, vagifem, etc. but these do NOTHING for lubrication. What DID work was an ayurvedic herb called shatavari. It provides lubrication to your body (eyes, joints, saliva, vagina, etc.). While it does not provide the same level of lubrication I had prior to menopause, at least I lubricate. I put at lease a good teaspoon of the powder in my morning shake with maca, mushrooms, collagen and a few other things. If I know I’m going to be active, I take a dose a little while before just to make sure I can get wet. It really does help.
However, it does not help with plumping up of the tissues. I guess you could use an estrogen cream to help with that, but I hate creams down there because they get messy on your underwear. I use suppositories by a company named Bezwecken that contain DHEA and an estrogen/progesterone blend. They have a variety of suppositories with different combinations of things (some without the estrogen/progesterone and/or DHEA, some with, some just oil based, etc.). Best solution for me was using the cubes, sometimes cutting them in half if I felt I didn’t need to use a whole one. I feel so much better, my vag is like new again!
Ugh 4 years in from peri through post meno I still can’t abide the phrase atrophied vagina
My experience of menopause has been far great. Awful, debilitating side effects and a frightening bout of post menopausal bleeding that turned out to be an overdose of progesterone.
I’m good now but as you describe, the short term memory loss is my latest concern.
Forgetting words is one thing but when I totally forget something I just did….it scares the hell out of me.
I think the best thing we can do is normalize menopause. Even reading your post makes me feel better about my dreadful memory.Just a footnote to my comments earlier, I would reiterate that Vagifem, which is administered via a vaginal pessary, has helped me enormously with dryness and itchiness. Before I started using it I suffered terribly with infections, thrush, general discomfort and itching. I still occasionally have the above but never really problematic – couldn’t manage without it. Smears can be very uncomfortable but I’ve found that it does vary depending on which nurse does it!
And I love the fact that I’m “invisible”. I absolutely hated being commented on by men in the street etc when I was a young woman/teenager, it’s completely liberating not to have to put up with that. And I don’t feel invisible, I think I feel better about how I look than I have before actually!maudie says:
Like Emma above, I thought I would sail through. However, at 54 with mood swings and hot flushes, brain fog and periods stopping I had two heart attacks within a week of each other. Knocked me for six! Three stents and four procedures later put back on the road again until I had to leave my job at 56 as I could no longer cope. Now at 60, hopefully through the worst of the menopause I am not the same woman that I was. All the heart medications create their own sets of problems – including a diagnosis of fibromyalgia from Kings College Hospital. Statins make you ache/hurt like hell, beta blockers exacerbate my Reynaud’s Syndrome and blood pressure pills make you cough – whatever brand you take. Nonetheless, I ‘work with what I have got’ healthwise and try not to feel sorry for myself or harbour negative feelings. (It could have been worse!!).
Karen says:
Alyson,
Thank you for your recent post on menopause. It rings so true for me too – lack of information. I’d like to recommend a documentary that is currently on Netflix called Love, Sweat and Tears. Perhaps you and your readers are aware of it? Dr. Pamela Dee Gaudry hosts the film which follows her as she interviews many health practitioners and experts. The film is also peppered with light-hearted and funny conversations with the likes of Jenny McCarthy, Joan Rivers, and more. She states her mission/goal “…is to de-stigmatise menopause and start the Menopause Romance Revolution.” Worth watching. I found it both interesting and helpful.
Thanks Karen, this sounds brilliant. I’ll watch the documentary asap and be sure to flag it up in a blog post
Brave bold words Maudie Thanks for sharing your experiences so frankly. I feel humble reading your words and realising how fortunate I have been. Good luck coping and making the most of the good parts of life and finding enjoyment where one can on a daily basis.
Nicola says:
This post, and the comments, is probably the most useful thing I have every read on menopause. One thing no one has mentioned though is migraine. I started getting really debilitating migraine about 5 uears ago at the age of 48. I had scans to rule out a brain tumour before my GP concluding they are related to hormonal fluctuations. HRT has helped but not cured them and when I get one I can feel really grotty for up to two weeks at a time. It’s no exaggeration to say they have changed my life – I’ve considered having to give up the job I love and put off travel and social functions because I’ve felt so ill. Although the GP has been helpful with medication she is also quite dismissive in that she says that once I get through this I will probably never have another one. I’m left feeling I should be grateful it isn’t a brain tumour and to stop whinging.
Lucie says:
Have you tried triptans for your migraines? Zolmitriptan or Sumatriptan can be prescribed and they’ve meant my regular migraines have gone from being debilitating for 24 to 48 hours to an hour or so of feeling sleepy and woozy and then usually fine. Worth trying if you haven’t.
Vera-D. says:
What is cruel is the way a whole generation of women were refused HRT because of the new backpedaled cancer scare. In a way I was lucky not having had a family doctor, as I hit peri-menopause right during the scare and did my own health care. I ended up purchasing bioidentical creams online, have taken them for a decade, and just took guesses as to the amounts, so stuck to the smallest doses that seemed to keep me on a steady keel. My sister in law, who didn’t use any, gained lots of weight and looks and feels a decade older. I figure if I get cancer, at least I had a decent decade in a better time of my life. I have no interest in living to old-old age anyway.
I do hate the lies about vaginal atrophy though. Nobody is having sex without topical estrogen replacement, it’s not even physically possible. I don’t pretend to have a libido but many women do. Sexual symptoms are the worst ones around menopause and never discussed. Instead we have women like Jane Fonda actually saying with a straight face that “sex at 75 is the best ever.” Only if you have Alzheimer’s and can’t remember being 21, my dear.
A few comments to add to those of Vera D.
It was my GP who thrust an HRT leaflet at me initially. I did my own research , bought some books and came to my own conclusions which were no HRT for me and need to find an alternative. I was prescribed by a special nurse a tube of maybe progesterone cream to rub into leg muscles. I didn’t choose to use it. I then went to a naturopath and tried a dietary route. I did up the phytoestrogens in plant material. This seemed to work. Re sex the saying is use it or lose it. Probably true. Replens a vaginal moisturiser seems effective. A friend was urged to use HRT but ended up with serious breast cancer from which she is still recovering. Everyone is individual and should follow the course best for them in coping.
Monty says:
Wonderful article Alyson!! I’m 44 and peri-menopausal and overall, am not doing too badly. But it’s so vitally important to see articles like this and all the wonderful responses to it Thank you so much!
I seem to be one of the lucky ones – my reproductive abilities are sodding off quietly. Aged 53, I have a bit of flushing and that’s it. On the clothes front, my new winter coat is a Barbour padded gilet with a removable hood. Sleevless and fastening with a zip, it’s fantastic for temperature control should the need arise due to flushes. For really cold days, a wool coat can be flung on top, and I’m loving the layered look that gives.
Ana says:
Perfect timing, I have an appointment with a GP on Tuesday because I was terrified about my memory loss; I had never made a connection between menopause and the fact that I forget names, closing the car´s door, my son´s school backpack… You have given me a great relief. As far as HRT is concerned, my ginecologist has advised me against it, as I have had three breast surgeries which resulted in benign tumors, but still… And what is most discouraging is that I find it harder to think and write in English, which is not my native language; reading your blog keeps me up to date with very interesting issues concerning middle age plus it helps me to remain fluent in your exquisite language.
Elspeth says:
Such a good article and very interesting to read the comments.
Something really major for me was a decade or so of older female relatives seeming to be over reactive, mean spirited, defensive and sometimes just plain harsh. I am the youngest of my female siblings & in laws & I now know what was happening (probably started behaving that way myself without realising), but as we have all noted, there was little or no discussion around menopause and emotions. Now I am menopausal I feel as if I have been allowed to join the secret society and I understand – but I do think relationships suffered during my time in the wilderness! Women have made huge strides in the last 5 years being more open about symptoms and emotions surrounding menopause – keep the conversation flowing, those who follow in our path will be glad you did.
I visited my GP about my menopausal symptoms of migraine, joint pains and inflammation. She also was suffering awful menopausal symptoms and told me that she actually felt like telling me to “eff off” – we both howled with laughter!beth says:
HRT just rules! working as a nurse and talking about HRT 3/4 colleagues have now succumbed!!!! boy do they feel better
Great article Alyson
Thank youClaire says:
Hope this helps somebody :
managemymenopause.co.uk
yesyesyes.org
estring.com
hycosan extra eye dropsKaren says:
The article is so wonderful and the responses from readers is truly heartwarming with the positive vibes being sent out to other women who may be about to embark on the next step of their lives or indeed have already been there and want to say they are okay! Mine started early, 37, just as I was about to move to Malaysia…..it’s hot out there! I seriously went through quite a lot of mental and physical stress without knowing the cause. It was only when I returned to the UK a couple of years later and was told what was going on (and also an under active thyroid diagnosed) that I started to realise I wasn’t going mad. I wasn’t even thinking along the lines of the menopause as a possible cause as I thought only much older women than myself had menopausal symptoms. I am now 61 and have been on HRT patches and medication for the thyroid problem for a looong time but it has really taken me a long time to realise that if I had been able to talk about what was happening to me at the time, my passage would have been smoother and much guilt would have been avoided. All power to your elbow, Alison! I am hoping that soon the menopause will not be seen in such a negative light…..just the next step in a healthy life that needs a good deal of understanding and compassion for the unfolding of our new wings….they take a bit of getting used to!
Great article Alyson, I will be pointing a number of ladies your way to read this. I have a menopause even next week that I am running. I had early menopause and walked around in the wilderness for 5 years before getting properly sorted out. The first 3 years I had no idea what was going on. We need more relatable information and to understand the signs so we don’t feel lonely and isolated, which is exactly how I felt for years. Thank you for writing this article.
Deborah[…] her most recent post on That’s Not My Age, Alyson Walsh tells you how it is at Five things I’ve discovered about the […]
Barbara Lewis says:
Great article Alyson – menopause (like childbirth ) needs talking about more.
Have you heard of the Menopause Cafe – just a place to meet up and discuss menopause – great idea.Oh the more we can normalise the subject the better. I’m hoping we are the generation to do this so that women behind us will be able to deal with it much better. Great article, Alyson. I spilled out my menopause woes recently too: https://www.bestbeforeenddate.com/lifestyle/midlife-musings/the-menopause-me/
Deborah Benady says:
Great article. I had a menopause enforced by Tamoxifen from age 48, which also mimicked menopause, so i didn’t know when exactly it began – but I do know that it has just stopped, at the age of 59! And I know because suddenly I can sleep again! No-one has mentioned disturbed sleep, but for me that has really been the absolute worst aspect, lying in bed for hours wide awake, or snapping awake because I need the loo and I’m having a hot sweat and not being able to fall asleep again.
So, there’s life at the end of the tunnel, and I can tell you, I’ve never felt happier or more content. Because the best thing about getting older (especially for those of us who’ve had children) is suddenly discovering life is all about you and you can do exactly what you want, without caring about being other’s judgement, or your own.
This forum is absolutely great. And I invite all of you to visit my YouTube channel, called Menopause Taylor or my website, MenopauseTaylor.ME. I’m a retired gynecologist, and I devote myself full time to educating women about menopause so that you can manage YOUR menopause YOUR way. I have no product, no angle, and no scare tactics. I just give you facts, teach you how to apply them to the one and only you, and make it fun all the while. I cover all the options in all the categories: Diet, Exercise, Lifestyle, Vitamins, Minerals, Botanicals, Herbs, Acupuncture, Hypnosis, Hormonal Medication, and Non-Hormonal Medications.
I teach you about all the things that really matter, like how to prevent a heart attack, osteoporosis, and Alzheimer’s Disease. Menopause isn’t just about the symptoms.
I also do one-on-one consultations on Skype, FaceTime, Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, and the phone.
Education is power. When it’s an education on menopause, it’s “menopower.” You deserve this education. And face it: Once you become menopausal, you remain remain so for the rest of your life … which constitutes the last third to half of your life. Until women become more vocal about menopause and more demanding about their menopausal needs, nothing will change. We’re the fasting growing sector of society, and if we raise our voices in unison, the world will listen.
One of the things I’d like to know is, as a 63 year old who has been through the menopause, would I still benefit from HRT ? I have friends in their 60s who are still on it because they feel there are benefits in keeping their oestrogen levels higher than they would be. And would a GP prescribe it to me now anyway?? Just curious really and hoping you can shed some light.
Helen says:
Thanks for all of that information Alyson. I am not there yet (49 yrs old next month) but I know it is lurking around the corner waiting for me. The more I know about it the better prepared I will be, mentally at least.
Bobbi says:
I had many bad side effects (yeast infections etc) to HRT. After strict diets, including cutting sugar and coffee my doc finally threw up her hands and suggested acupuncture. It took 3 tries before I found one who was able to help me. I go once a month now that it’s under control. The herbs (pills, not teas for me) are less expensive than pharmaceuticals and best of all, no side effects!
I use a mixture of coconut oil and jojoba each night for dryness. If you’re not using condoms coconut oil is a great lube, but a tad messy. Just leave off the jojoba in the lube mixture, not enough slip. 😉 My doc still occasionally emails me for the recipe. I’ve heard CBD oil is good as well, but not looked into it yet.
Best to all as we navigate this journey!Marion Kelt says:
The best thing we can do is talk about menopause openly, especially to younger male colleagues. Also most helpful to find and support a menopause cafe or other support network, also the chill pillow is worth its weight in gold! Fab!
Gill Banks says:
Nor do we wear: beige, pastels, elasticated waists, navy (because it is softer than black), things that don’t suit us, or don’t conform to our personal style, . . .
The best thing we can do about menopause is talk about it! My Master’s dissertation was ‘Menopause as a learning Experience’, that was 15 years ago! Try finding that research group! Talking about it does seem to be becoming, slowly, more mainstream.
Leigh Anderson says:
Great article !!! Thanks for writing. Everything changed for me at 50 – it was like a sucker punch, and my family doctor was of no help other then Synthroid for my hypothyroid. But all that changed when I heard whispers from menopausal women that were seeing a hormone specialist in my city. I made my appointment and he changed my life with natural HRT. My husband (who is 64) even went to him and tweaked him with a bit of natural testosterone and DHEA. The Doctor also has us intermittent fasting the 16/8 method and the weight started to come off and we have never felt better. I tried the vitamin route and it helped for a couple of years but then it stopped. I am no longer on Synthroid, but now take a natural thyroid replacement called desiccated Thyroid instead of a synthetic formula. I was also put on DHEA, natural progesterone and a cream combo of natural testosterone and Estradiol, a safer form of estrogen. Taking HRT has been life changing – maybe we should have listened to Susan Summers sooner! I have never felt better and we have the sex life of being in our twenty’s again and we are 64 and 54I years young. Everyone has their own journey through menopause but this therapy saved my life.! I wish every woman luck with her journey through this faze in our lives.
Annie Green 
Isobel 
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Alison, Brilliant ! This is a succinct and clinically accurate and balanced summary containing evidence based information. You have a large circulation of readers who will benefit. There is a lot of dubious information about, and you have dispelled a lot of myths and you have written this in a very accessible way.