Weak Ties: how people you don’t know very well make for strong connections
Photo: Yan Krukau from Pexels
Most of us have a core of just a few really close friends, two to three, according to a recent YouGov poll. Then in ever-increasing circles of decreasing closeness, we move out to the group that’s probably the most numerous: people you vaguely know and near-strangers with whom you share something, which could be where you live, a shared interest, activity, or simply being in the same place at the same time.
‘A tapestry of strangers’
Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Sussex, is fascinated by the last type of relationship, and says: ‘Some of my favourite books/movies are ones where minimal connections between a tapestry of strangers (or acquaintances/weak ties) come together to tell a story’. She has been researching weak ties for at least a decade, ‘examining how seemingly insignificant social interactions and everyday behaviours can influence and improve wellbeing.’
Research by Sandstrom showed that people with more weak ties tend to be generally happier and days with the most weak-tie interactions make us feel positive and more connected. Her research has also shown that people we’re less close to can offer useful support at hard times, such as serious illness or bereavement. That certainly rings true; sometimes it definitely feels easier to unburden yourself about relationship or family issues to a hairdresser or fellow train passenger, than have a heart-to-heart with a good friend, who may have their own views on it. And one US study, spanning 23 years of its participants’ lives from the age of 40, revealed that having many weak ties meant much closer relationships were better maintained.
I definitely feel the power of my weak ties. Working for myself, usually alone, if I haven’t had my usual fix I start to feel a bit isolated and somehow withdrawn from the world, like when I was laid low by a cold at home for three days recently. And while I was writing this, I totted up, and thought about, all my weak ties…
Photo: Megan Bucknall from Pexels
Where are the weak ties?
There are the people in the park in the mornings. Most are walking their dogs, including one of my neighbours; I’m walking myself, to get the blood flowing to start the day. There are a couple of people exercising. We nod, smile and chat, sharing the moment.
I know a few neighbours to say hello to, and when we painted the street side of our fence recently, several stopped to comment (all positive, thankfully), and a new one introduced himself. It all helps everyone in the community feel more connected, more rooted.
Hobbies yield more: at choir I’m singing rather than talking, but there is time for a quick chat. Book group is once a month, a real mixed bunch, and as well as discussing the book (currently Women’s Prize for Fiction winner Brotherless Night by VV Ganeshananthan) we go on outings: historic cemetery tour, Christmas meal, mediaeval wine vaults tour, watching cricket, Shakespeare’s Globe…
Work-wise, I’ve got a regular ongoing booking so I’m now more often in touch with colleagues there, via Slack. Not that much time is spent on pleasantries, but an amusing emoji, sharing an anecdote or commenting on a story lightens the load. And IRL (in real life) I sometimes work in a co-working space. Most of my co-workers don’t have a set schedule so it’s almost a surprise when we coincide. There are a handful I’ve ‘worked with’ more often, and we know about each others’ lives and projects, and with others there’s less of a connection, but we can still share a moment: a moan about misbehaving tech, local events, or discussing the noisy habits of another co-worker. And our co-working space, which is also home to a resident company, holds a Christmas party for everyone.
My newest group is at a small yoga class, where we discuss the weather, Northern Lights appearances, toenail varnish colours, aches and pains…
Try for new weak ties
As with friendship generally, it’s good to stay open to the possibility of meeting new people. Don’t be afraid to say hello, although a better opening remark is something about where you both are or what you’re doing, and as small talk advice always states, make it a question so you get more than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in response. Keep working on your weak ties.
Adrienne Wyper is a health and lifestyle writer and regular TNMA contributor.
Discussion (26 Comments)
Boadicea says:
We live in a village with a good reputation for being friendly. However, like most places these days, it has its almost obligatory lot of no-speakers when passing in the street. My husband makes a point of not letting anyone get away with that! He speaks, they look startled for a moment and then, mostly, give a cheery enough response. Mission accomplished!
As for proper friendships, mine are truly lengthy, both in time and distance. My best friend and I have already clocked up 80 yearsworth of caring and sharing – in touch almost every day, however briefly – and several other friendships, still maintained, regularly, go back 60+ years. and my American Bestie has already passed the ten year mark. Again: close contact.
Friends are precious commodities but yes, there is always room for those nice folks who float through our lives, and then drift off. I see them in two distinct categories: those we pass the time of day with, like the lady a few days ago who bought a book on my recommendation and don’t expect to see again, and those who turn up unexpectedly when help is needed. I’m thinking of a friend asking if I believed in angels and me being a bit unsure about that, but actually believing that people do do angelic things when the needs arises. And I know of such instances.
Being out and about is never boring as I find people-watching endlessly fascinating. I just need not to make it too obvious!
Hat Margolies says:
I absolutely agree with the weak ties – sometimes my walk to work (25 mins) can take an hour because of the weak tie conversations I have with the postman, the ex postwoman ( now on a new route) the coffee shop baristas and customers outside who I know vaguely from the local shops/friends of friends/school parents and other business owners in my units. Add in the smiles to random people – because you know it makes both you and them feel better and you start the day with joy! I drive my family nuts because I say hi to so many people, but my mum is just the same… hereditary chattiness!
Cindy from Canada says:
Adrienne, this was a wonderful blog – lots to think about.
I think, in the past few years after COVID, that there are people who have chosen to be more private. I go for walks around my neighborhood, and when I say “hi” to people passing by, there are those who don’t respond, not even with a smile or a nod of the head. I agree about those who feel more comfortable sharing with their hairstylist or a passenger on public transit (I have wonderful conversations every time I see my amazing hairstylist). I stay connected with people by volunteering and being an online mentor for those experiencing Cancer. I hope that on my next walk or out grocery shopping, the conversation will be more than just a brief “hello”.
Marisol Sepulveda says:
A couple of years ago, my husband and I moved from England to Vancouver, Canada. I walk my dog every morning and was surprised how less friendly people were here than in the UK. We now live in a flat on the 18th floor, so we are up and down the lift several times a day. I have made it my mission to greet people when they get on and if they are not chatty, at least they say goodbye when they get off. Small steps..
Linda Dammeyer says:
I’m sorry you’re having that experience in Vancouver, Marisol. I live in Central Saanich, just outside Victoria. I think people on Vancouver Island are more laid back and generally friendlier than those in big cities.
Yvonne says:
Cindy, I live in Canada also and it’s such a myth when people say that Canadians are friendly people. In a civilized society, people should respond to a salutation. That’s being civil and courteous. Don’t know what’s wrong with people nowadays. Disheartening to say the least.
Barbara Cotter says:
I love that this research is being conducted and will cherish my own weak ties – gym classes, neighbours, shop assistants within my local patch. I always feel good after chatting with these people – now I understand why. Thank you Adrienne.
Elaine Hambly says:
This a wonderful article and discussion. I’ve recently struck up a friendship with a weak tie. It has been one of the most rewarding relationships and I’ve enjoyed it very much.
What a wonderful article and so timely for me. I tend to be a bit reclusive. This is a good prompt to get out more and say hello.
Nicola says:
Where I live in Sydney we are lucky enough to have a strip of shops – a cafe, a green grocer, a baker, a chemist and a general store that provide a community hub. It’s a bit like the Cheers Bar – everyone knows you and there’s always someone to chat to. Weak ties is a wonderful way to describe the relationships found there. I’ve also got a dog and we say hello to everyone we meet on our walks. However, it was humbling a couple of years ago when I was ‘between dogs’ when I met someone I felt I knew well and they didn’t recognise me at all – I had to face up to the reality that everyone knew my dog, not me!
Pat Cockett says:
Your comment about not being recognised when between dogs made me smile; we often refer to the regular dog walkers we meet by their dog’s name and I’m sure they do the same with us.
Laura says:
So enjoyed this article and all your lovely comments! Always such a wonderful community right here with your followers.
Susan Maxwell says:
Such an interesting perspective. I have often thought that I don’t have true friends, people I would share my deepest secrets with and call on in an emergency. I do have a wide circle of acquaintances though, book club, stitching group, coffee get-togethers and these are people whose company I enjoy even if on a less deep level.
Angela says:
Several months ago we moved from one end of Australia to another and from a house to an apartment. It has been more of an adjustment that I expected, we are retired so not even a new work environment to cultivate ties in and I was wondering why I felt so out of sorts.
This article has hit the nail on the head. I miss those weak ties, the barista at the local coffee shop, the same faces I see around the neighbourhood when walking who smile and say hello, the baker who knows what I want before I order because I ask for the same thing (almost) every time. These people made up the fabric of my everyday and now they are gone.
We are slowly adjusting and have made some connections with others in the building. Reading this article gives me hope that over time, as we establish new weak ties, it will all feel so much more like “home”.
Thank you for this insightful article.MaureenC says:
Couldn’t agree more, this is a really underrated aspect of our personal ‘ecosystem’. I would differentiate between the brief chat contacts – nodding acquaintances, brief chat people and those I meet at shared activities as occasionally people I’ve met through activities do evolve into deeper friendships.
However like others I’ve noticed a change in nodding/greeting behaviour. We have many cycle paths near us where people walk, walk dogs and run, in general most middle aged and above people will greet or at least respond to a good morning. Under 40s never seem to speak first , most are wearing AirPods so don’t hear greetings and will rarely make eye contact with us or even with people of their own age passing by. The sense is of people carrying their own house in a protective bubble around them helping them feel that others are not real but just part of the scenery.
Now I know from autistic family members that some people need to do this to avoid sensory overload but that doesn’t explain a much wider group of people shutting out contact with other humans.Sara Carey says:
I really feel this is a lovely way of connecting with people and improves your well being and mental health to have short, sporadic conversations with people when you are out and about!
Kate W says:
Fantastic advice! A few years ago my relationship with some family members broke down. It has been incredibly stressful but it’s my friends- some closer friends but who I see often but many ‘weak connections’ that have helped me to keep moving forward. Some of these are my Aqua class members that I see each week, some from my two choirs, some from my pro-EU protest group who I see three or four times a year in Westminster. These connections are so valuable!
Mrs Tonia says:
Very insightful article here and good selection of comments.
Since enforced isolation of Covid lockdowns and its prohibitions on socialising I feel I’ve of necessity had to become more self-sufficient. Less reliant on an outside social life. It all takes effort and work to maintain. The casual ties from exercise class socialising died off. Others were created online via WhatsApp groups. Family connections have grown in importance since then. I do make the effort to arrange to meet up with old friends in person as and when I am able.
Much food for thought here.Adrienne Wyper says:
Loved reading these comments. I just wish there was a better name for ‘weak ties’ – I don’t feel that reflects their importance!
That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. ‘Loose ties’ or ‘loose connections’ would be better…
I moved from Portland, Oregon to Appleton, Wisconsin 5 years ago specifically because of the neighborly feel that permeates this city (and most of the state). “Weak ties” friendliness is (in my experience) highly geographical. Portland never felt this warm and welcoming toward strangers, even though I’d lived there most of my adult life. Like Andrienne Wyper, I’m a writer who works at home and the people who greet me on my morning walk, let me pet their dogs, and smile and say hello each time I see them make me feel connected to the community even though I don’t know their names. Thank you for writing about these seemingly insignificant connections that make our lives richer.
Lee says:
As an introvert, I treasure my “weak ties,” the folks who nod and smile, the people I see on a semi-regular basis in the tea shop or the bakery, the postal worker walking on the street – these are my favorite connections in many ways. A few weeks ago, I realized I was seeing the same man in the tea shop on occasion; we’d both sit with our morning cuppa, then he’d be up and gone before I could speak. I finally walked over, said “Hello, my name Is Lee. Since we both seem to like this place, I wanted to be able to greet you properly.” He looked a bit astonished, then smiled and said “Thank you! I’m Ken.” And now when we see each other, we can greet each other by name. We have no other ties, but we can smile and give each other a “good morning” as we pass through the tea shop.
Maisie says:
Yes,these weak ties are so important. I live in a small place but as an incomer it has taken a long time for me to feel part of the community, so I treasure those everyday interactions with the locals. Having a dog again definetely helps, people will smile and chat , the presence of my dog seems to break down the barriers. Although I have to say, being from the UK, there if you were out for a walk in the countryside and passed a stranger they would almost certainly give you a cheery “hello! “, whereas here in Greece that would be quite unusual, I keep telling myself I should make the first move next time.
바카라사이트 says:
People tend to appreciate when others show genuine curiosity and interest in their lives.
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This is such excellent advice Adrienne. I have so many weak ties, and I call them “small pockets of acquaintances/friends”. A few ladies I have been meeting up for years twice a week at an aqua morning class. We have so much to chat about while exercising and splashing about, from gardening, recipes, health tips, bargain spots etc. I actually look forward to the classes come rain or shine.
Then I have my book club girls, which was disbanded last year, due to some of the ladies having other pressing commitments. Now we call ourselves, The Book Club that could not Resign, because we still meet up for a casual coffee date and talk books and socialise.
I find these “weak ties” awesome, because like you say in your article, even if you share something intimate with one of them, you wont be judged as you would be by say, your closest friend/s.
As we get older our circle of very close friends become smaller, and those we too need to take care of and keep close to our hearts.