The gift of time: why presence matters more than presents
Photos: Centre for Ageing Better via Unsplash
You may not have as many friends as you had when you were younger, but I bet you cherish them more. Having good friends, who’ve probably known you for ages, and who’ve shared joy and sadness with you, is priceless. And as we age, there is an awareness that our time here is finite and, without wishing to be a downer, no one lives forever…
It can be hard to find the perfect present. So rather than give something for the sake of it, share the most precious thing you have, and give someone your time. We say ‘it’s the thought that counts’ about presents that don’t quite hit the spot. Well, what nicer thought is there than ‘Let’s spend time together’?
Suggest meeting up in the New Year for coffee, a walk, or a trip to the pub. What elevates it from the everyday is that you’re doing it with a friend, perhaps one you don’t see very often. Or it could be something a little more elaborate like seeing an exhibition, going wine-tasting, or doing a shoemaking course… anything that will appeal to both/all of you. And before the event itself, you both have something in the diary to look forward to.
Whatever you arrange doesn’t have to be perfect. As a good friend recently said to me on a long-planned day out as we hit a different pub to the one we’d planned to visit, after a good lunch, and an indifferent art installation: ‘I don’t really care where we are. What’s important is that we’re seeing each other.’
Obviously, it’s not just friends that it pays to spend time with. Many family members, particularly older ones, would love to see more of you, and being with someone who is obviously thrilled to see you, and knowing that you’ve made them happy, makes you feel good, too.
For my mum’s last (‘big’) birthday, I struggled with what to give her to mark the extra-special occasion. So I wanted to spoil her with something out of the ordinary. We often go for afternoon tea together, but to make it extra-special, we went for afternoon tea with alpacas, because my mum adores them. I gave her a homemade voucher on her birthday, and she was so thrilled. On the day the owners talked to us about the animals, then we got fed – delicious sandwiches, scones and cakes – in a beautiful garden overlooking the Weald of Kent, and then we fed the alpacas, and wandered about the field with them. My mum loved it, and I treasure the photos I took.
And it may be a cheesy social media hashtag but ‘making memories’ like that is a great thing to do. Several studies have shown that spending money on an experience, rather than buying a product, makes us happier. It doesn’t have to cost a lot; it’s about investing time rather than money.
Traditionally, this time of year can be a busy period. So, it pays to take a little time for yourself, to pause from your seasonal rituals and reflect on what has been and what may be. A US study reveals that when we’re feeling stressed and busy we’re least likely to treat ourselves, but, of course, that’s when we need it most. Self-gifting time is the best form of self-care. So be generous – it’s the season of goodwill to all, and that includes you.
Adrienne Wyper is a health and lifestyle writer and regular TNMA contributor.
Discussion (7 Comments)
CMcC says:
Thank you for this gentle nudge to remember the importance of making time for, and memories with, friends and family.
Cindy from Canada says:
Adrienne, this is a wonderful article to read. Let’s be generous throughout the year, not just during the season of goodwill.
Kate says:
I would love to see this for all adults. I do feel that Christmas has become just a game for big retail companies to try and win. Maybe I am becoming cranky in my “and wiser” years, but even the Santa Baby song now really rubs me the wrong way! The Grinch says, maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store. Wise words!
We need Santa and gifts to be for the children. Like so much in the world today – holiday gifting – it’s just become too much! I think the young at heart can revel in the children’s joy and wonderment if there are children in their lives and otherwise partake in the holiday via spirit and experiences with friends and family.Yvonne says:
Kate, I can relate. So much consumerism. I prefer experiences with people that I will remember for a long time.
Such a beautiful post! At the end, memories are what sustains us. Most of my family, except for a brother, are gone and so are many of my friends except for two. We should love people and use things not the other way around as it seems to be the case nowadays. I loved all comments and especially the one by Boadicea.
Adrienne Wyper says:
Wow, that’s impressive, Boadicea! I remember my grandma had a group of friends met at her first job, at around 16, and always referred to as ‘the girls’, who she saw weekly (the ones who were left) until she was 90. I think we realise as we get older that we can’t take it for granted that people will always be there, so we need to show them we appreciate their presence in our lives.
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My bestie and I have clocked up a wonderful 79 years’ friendship. Texts, emails and photos still fly back and forth all week and we get to share family celebrations. She calls us soul sisters and I love that. As for gifts, she has the rose tree bearing her name and the landscape on her wall in which I depicted us and our husbands as a reminder when we actually leave the scene, and I have a little Christmas tree in the garden – dressed and lit each December – and a figurine of two little girls holding hands, dancing. That’s us, five years old, playing ring a ring o’ roses and then dancing round the maypole at school. Yes, friends and memories are precious indeed.