The Sandwich Generation must care for themselves
Photo: Daiga Ellaby via Unsplash
No matter how much we might adore the delightful squeals of a grandchild or cherish the tender moments with an elderly parent, being a cross-generational caregiver is not easy. The phrase ‘Sandwich Generation’ was originally coined in 1981 by Dorothy A. Miller, and Elaine Brody, two social workers and academics, to describe Baby Boomers caught between the needs of multiple generations. Since then, second, third and fourth waves of human sandwiches are experiencing this frenetic, merry-go-round of care.
In between cheerful granny making pasta collages, bad cop mum dealing with surly offspring and dutiful daughter tending to an increasingly vulnerable parent, may be someone struggling not to be subsumed by their responsibilities. ‘It’s better to give than receive,’ said Francis of Assisi. But then he was a Saint. And, he was a bloke. Without wishing to underplay the role of male carers, it’s predominantly women who assume this role of ‘kin-keeper.’ 62% of intergenerational caregivers are women, according to a 2020 report by the Office of National Statistics.
Annette Byford, a psychotherapist and author of Once a Mother, Always a Mother (Ortus Press, 2022) has seen the fallout of women struggling to meet all these demands. Over decades, she’s noticed changes in social patterns and expectations. The first is that offspring stay at home longer due to job insecurity and sky-high rents, thus extending a mother’s caring role. Mothers find it difficult not to be drawn into the lives of their adult children, “much more than they used to be” , notes Byford.
Secondly, due to the staggering cost of childcare and nurseries, grandmothers are more involved with their children’s children, with many travelling long distances on a regular basis to meet this need. This also has an economic imperative (free childcare) and is not simply a matter of family commitment and obligation. ‘I often hear the phrase, “I have no choice” and that’s how many women feel. That they have no choice. Many women can feel squeezed into a corner.’
While caring for our family is a “decent thing to do”, in many ways a gift and it “makes us better human beings,” there is a tipping point, she warns. Women stretched too thin will sometimes sacrifice their own health, lives and dreams. Something that used to feel rewarding can turn into something exhausting and diminishing. All kinds of stresses: emotional, phycological, financial and practical alongside anxiety, can sometimes lead to real mental health issues such as depression or burnout. ‘That’s when caring for others becomes a form of self-harm. An equally desperate scenario is when the woman can no longer give adequate care, because she has failed to look after herself.’
There are warning signs: “a sense of frustration, resentment, growing competitiveness with one’s peers, a quickness to anger, inability to sleep and loss of interest in the world around us.” The metaphor Byford uses to explain the importance of looking after ourselves when caring for others is stark and vivid. ‘On a plane, we are always told to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first.’ For Generation Sandwich, building resilience and maintaining a focus on personal needs is not a luxury but a necessity.
Photo: Ageing Better & Bias Cut
HOW GEN SANDWICH CAN BUILD RESILIENCE
*Look after yourself: Self-care in this context is not about face packs and spa dates but the absolute basics. Good nutrition, regular hydration, regular exercise and sleep. Love yourself as much as others.
*Set boundaries around your time and availability “If you don’t set boundaries, it will eat you up. To be boundaried Is reasonable. Don’t feel guilty about it” advises Byford. Your time is as important as their time. It’s all about mental survival and maintaining strength.
*Stay in the moment. In situations of overload, all sorts of approaches to mindfulness can help. Yoga, breathing exercises, gardening, shelling peas. Anything that calms everything down for you to emerge with greater clarity and renewed energy.
*Delegate and seek help. If you are seen as capable, efficient and selfless, the assumption will be you are fine. Ask for help before the situation becomes critical. Can you share your load with family members? Ask neighbours or friends for help? With elderly parents, might it be time to introduce an element of professional care?
*Connect with others but be mindful of who you spend precious time with. Stay away from those who corrode your sense of self-worth or make you feel inadequate. ‘Find friends who are good for you,’ encourages Byford. ‘And share with them how you feel. Don’t sit on this on your own.’ Seek out support groups including online.
*Remember what makes you happy. Remember how it was to be young and carefree? Are you able to touch base with whatever sets off your happy chemicals? Singing, dancing, journaling, fell-walking, riding your bike. Finding the time for neglected hobbies, activities and pastimes might be a way to introduce balance and touch base with lost “me time.”
*Allow nature to help. There’s a wealth of science to back up the importance of nature in everyday wellbeing. Walking in the outdoors or by water, listening to birdsong, growing your own vegetables, spending time with animals, observing and enjoying the shifting seasons, are all grounding, healing activities. Let nature enfold and care for you.
Nilgin Yusuf is a writer and regular TNMA contributor.
*If you find yourself feeling isolated, depressed or developing physical symptoms which may (or may not) be psychosomatic, you may need to seek help from a professional.
Annette Byford can be contacted via welldoing.org, a nationwide network that matches individuals with the right counsellors or therapists.
SUBSCRIBE TO THAT’S NOT MY AGE
If you’ve enjoyed reading this feature, please consider becoming a That’s Not My Age subscriber. Those who have signed-up are supporting That’s Not My Age in its entirety. Every subscription is valuable for the future of this site and will go towards creating engaging content to inspire and empower women of all ages. More details of membership benefits (features, newsletters and lovely giveaways) HERE.
Thank you so much. Your contribution is crucial.
Discussion (7 Comments)
Mrs Tonia says:
Well written article here Nilgin.
I found much to identify with. First as a sandwich generation person having children in mid-30s more unusual In 80s than now I also had responsibilities for my mother in her 70s suffering from dementia. Very challenging to prioritise oneself and find moments of joy and fun. Exercise yes, going to the cinema, art exhibitions, socialising and being creative all created as much balance as I could muster. Finding time for work and play as well as caring responsibilities.
Good luck to Others trying to balance a personal life, working and caring. The pandemic threw these duties into full relief. Three generations to cater for.
Now I’m a granny who tries to help my son and his family with childcare so they can work and go out to have fun also.B Dale Saufley says:
I do not have children or grandkids so I am an open-faced sandwich. In 2018 I moved-in with my parents- we sold our homes and purchased a place to accommodate all three. Mom has dementia and a year ago was moved to a memory care unit but still receives weekly input from me. Dad is 90 and has multiple health issues with age related memory loss. The feelings of inadequacy, even acting as chauffeur or in attending the many care-conferences or tackling IV induction (with a port) is nerve wracking.
But- if I had stayed in my home the worry of not knowing, would have been much worse.
I’m thankful to NOT have children or grandchildren and thankful to have flexible self-employment with understanding clients.FR says:
Like Goddessinthedetails I found caring for grandchildren a joy and a privilege albeit hard work.
Could I ask a question re a previous blog? I find Uniqlo sizing very confusing. In the wide leg cargo trousers, what Uniqlo size would be equivalent to a Marks and Spencers size 14 regular?Hello there – regarding Uniqlo, I hear you. The sizing can vary. I have the size M cargo pants and I’m a size 12, so maybe try the L? Hope that helps!
Sarah W says:
Thank you for a well written and thoughtful article. As a carer for my mum in her 80s I have faced many of the challenges mentioned here. I was her sole carer during lockdown and made sacrifices in my own life and career, including giving up my then job and taking on a total life change, moving back north from the south coast. But as we have always been close, it felt the right and natural thing to do. I couldn’t live far from my mum now. I’d feel cut off and would worry too much.
Each day is so precious. In many countries elderly parents traditionally live with family to support their children and grandchildren. People don’t always understand that concept here, sadly.
We now have excellent care support in place, who look after mum, have relieved me of more practical aspects and given me back my free time and independence. It also means we can enjoy “normal” mother and daughter time which is so important. (I’ve got fitter pushing a wheelchair too).
As a carer for a loved one. It is so very important to make time for yourself. I took up Yoga and Pilates in January and became hooked. ( having never done either and I’m no fitness freak and in my fifties). It really does lift the spirits on a bad day, too. I also took on my mum’s garden and transformed it this year and was totally immersed. Just being outside, gardening and pottering, enjoying the birdsong and wildlife does de-stress and clear the mind. Picking my own veg for the first time was amazing too!!
The worst thing in the UK is the total lack of support and funding for carers, especially regarding mini “career breaks” and allowances. But there is also too little support and funding for professional carers. Long hours and exhaustion. I hope future generations will be better supported, but sadly doubt that will be the case……
Jane says:
I was an older parent and had a small child to look after at the same time as I was giving my widowed elderly, frail mum a lot of support. Oh, and I had a job to think about.
So I found this article very interesting. My health def suffered during the four years after my dad died and the pressure ramped up to support my mum. Her increasing frailty and ill health led to her moving into care. A hard decision for us all, but an inevitable one sadly. I knew I needed to protect my health and especially my sanity, as I tried to ensure she was safe, sometimes happy and not too lonely. All of these proved impossible as it turned out. I took up running, which was brilliant (while it lasted – bad knee!) , swam in a lido when it was sunny and I had support from lovely friends, including a wonderful woman in the cafe near my mum’s final nursing home (there were four; she never settled) who always asked how I was and sounded interested, made me great coffees and showed great empathy. (Thank you Camila!)
One daughter at the care home took me to one side and said I should not exhaust myself with such constant visits; she’d done the same and ended up with serious heart problems .. her mother was 100 and had been there much longer than most residents.
One positive: my daughter proved a very compassionate and resilient child. She spent A LOT of time with me at the nursing homes and never moaned. She became friendly with another resident, who adored children, which was lovely. And actually, there was a small community of relatives who were there a lot and were kind and friendly. I still meet one of them for coffee and laughs, 3 years after my mum and her dad died.
I would advise anyone trying to balance the same family commitments to take your own health very seriously. Get some form of exercise. Don’t eat too many biscuits out of boredom (it’s quite boring in a nursing home). Talk to your friends. Get plenty of fresh air. Resist guilt (some nursing home staff liked to make us feel guilt for ‘putting’ our mum there)
Leave a Reply
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
On sharing ‘tender moments’ with an elderly parent: my reality was a parent with dementia who abused me. I could set no boundaries — if I tried to switch off for an evening, I might receive a phone call at 10.00 pm yelling at me because I hadn’t called the police to give them the information (all fantasy) he had on a famous disappearance. Impossible to get to sleep after that. I might set aside a few days to try to spend with my husband, or do some exercise, and then a hospital would ring to say I had to drop everything, and get there asap. (This involved flights, as the said parent had emigrated to the med. and refused to return.) Some years later, I then did a stint of childcare for the grandchild. Nappies, again. Weird fantasy conversations again. But like day to night. Caring for a young child was a joy and a privilege for me, and I really wanted to support my daughter, because it’s us Boomers who understand how hard being a working mother is. Plus I’d like for her to have some time to look after her health.