Books to read: There Are No Grown-Ups
I finally got round to reading Pamela Druckerman’s latest book There Are No Grown-Ups, on holiday. Well, on the return journey – a delayed flight helped. Although the author’s focus is on being in her 40s and winging it, this is a symptom we experience in our 50s-and-beyond, too. Anyhow, I enjoyed the book and Druckerman’s chatty, self-aware writing style. Described as a midlife coming of age story, I found the chapters on ‘How to be wise’ and ‘How to say no’ helpful and informative. OK, so maybe I didn’t need a holiday or a book to tell me that I don’t want to be permanently plugged into social media, but There Are No Grown-Ups helped to validate my feelings. As the author says, midlife is ‘busy’ or what the ‘Dutch economist Lans Bovenberg describes as the “rush hour of life”. A period when we’re all multitasking like maniacs, with little time to think, socialise off-line, or read… I honestly thought by the age of 54, I might have sorted out my work-life balance and found the space to kick-back and relax. But, no. I obviously need to embrace Druckerman’s tips on how to edit your life. Including:
‘Be lucid about the trade-offs you’re making – saying yes to one thing means saying no to another.
Follow your verve: when you’re trying to decide between several options pay attention to which one energizes you and which one makes you feel tired just thinking about it. Even as a grown-up, it’s OK to choose the option that feels like more fun.
Say no, nicely.
Do small things immediately, if you can.
Don’t let the internet eat your life.’ (Enough said).
The chapter on ‘How to dress’ isn’t groundbreaking but having struggled with what to wear in her mid-40s, Druckerman finally (with the help of a stylist) realises it’s important to dress to suit her body shape, find a uniform and then add a little flair. Druckerman is an American living in Paris, where, as we all know, ageing is viewed differently than in the UK and North America. The French woman’s aim is to be bien dans son age, as she points out in the chapter on ‘How to age gracefully.’
‘Looking good as you get older requires accentuating and enjoying what’s specific to you rather than striving for cookie cutter perfection. As women get older they look like they have a story. The French adjustment is to treat that story not as unwelcome baggage, but as part of the woman’s specificity and allure. It would be odd to reach the forties or older without having this.’
Going on to add, ‘ I’m not sure if I’m bien dans mon age yet, but I’m working on it…It requires believing that your particular shape, mind and assortment of qualities – including your age – have a valid place in the world. It means making a choice about how you’re going to age. And it means believing that the person in the mirror is you.’
There Are No Grown-Ups is not prescriptive, it’s a book that says have a look at yourself – and be honest. Sound advice for women of all ages. Oh and one thing I’ve realised with age and a bit of distance is that, even though at the time it may feel like a big deal, 40 is nothing.
Discussion (15 Comments)
Mrs Tonia says:
I have never read one of these books about how Frenchwomen do things. I do however read French women’s magazines such as Elle, Marie Claire and Madame Figaro both online and in paper version and have done so for a long long time. Plus I’ve spent a lot of time in France and go there regularly. My observations are that certainly among the bourgeoisie women take considerable care of their hair, skincare, keeping slim figures called “garder la line” as well as dressing in a somewhat conservative but well-dressed style. There are many brands of clothing to buy there in good colours and styles to make it easier to do so. Less emphasis on cheaper, trendy, younger styles than here in UK. So with shop windows filled with attractive outfits and accessories one can put together a good age appropriate look. I like their magazines for showing how to combine clothing available to look current. And yes I agree that 40 is young from the perspective of someone of retirement age as I am. But still making an effort to be “bien dans ma peau” !
I would add that “gentillesse” is not something French women are lauded for. I have far more genuinely kind and thoughtful and polite British female friends than I do French ones. I am married to a Belgian so I have had quite a few opportunities to interact. Yes, la francaise, is chic but the British woman is, as a general rule warmer and give me that beauty every day.
As an American living in the US, I am astounded how quickly any sense of style flies out the window as one exits the big international metropoles. Another reason, I love your blog, Alyson; it gives me guiding star to style that is not fashion in a magazine.kathryn says:
Off topic, but there is a wonderful obit in NYTimes today about Cindy Joseph, a 67 year old entrepreneur who started modelling at age 50 and developed her own cosmetics company with products designed, and I quote “to complement, not disguise, a woman’s age.” Ms Joseph was apparently horrified that women were being told, or felt they were being told, to look younger than their real age, and felt that, in contrast, women should celebrate their age and the beauty of that age. Kudos to her!!!!
Jodi brown says:
This is really sad, she was one of the first women to inspire my transition to grey. Such a beautiful woman.
Rest In Peace Cindy, and Thankyou.
Toomanyshoes says:
Also off topic but reading this reminded me that lately I’m increasingly thinking that, once I quit corporate world, I will both stop dyeing my hair and stop wearing makeup. Both activities really bug me but are pretty essential in my world. I look forward to presenting the world with me as I am, wrinkles and all. I fully intend to focus on great skin care etc, but honestly, I’m tired of it all and want to present a real version of what a grown up woman who’s getting on looks like. Linda v Wright is a great inspiration in this. I was never a model like her, but her no make up, no fakery approach, and she’s 70! is inspiring.
TO BE 40 AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t think I need to READ this but one never knows………………
AGELESS STYLE Over on my BLOG TODAY!FEATURING A WOMAN from ITALY!!!!!!!!GUESS WHAT SHE MAKES?
Did you meet up with TZIPORAH????
XXluisa says:
I stopped dyeing my hair just before I retired as an act of rebellion: just as youngsters dye their hair red and green etc, I let my hair go grey, not because I couldn’t be bothered, but because I did not want to follow the ‘anti-ageing’brigade’s rule ‘Thou shall not look your age’. As it happens, grey hair suits me. (if it did not I might have carried on dyeing it). I am happy to be 66; some of my contemporaries did not make it to this age. Cindy Joseph, wonderful, beautiful woman, was a mere 67.
I agree that style can be learnt. A teacher told me once, when I was about 13, that truly stylish women only come into their own later in life. As young women we are often tricked into following trends. We want to be someone else; whereas style is being yourself, at your best. Another thing: Do French women really have the secret of style? To me it seems all a bit prescriptive and, although I agree with some of their supposed ‘secrets of style’, I truly believe that you should make your own rules. Could you be totally chic (in a ‘French’ way…) and yet be completely unmemorable?Corinne Devery says:
I love your blog, Alyson, and have both your books. I agree with Catherine Meerbergen’s comment on French women and as a Brit who has been living in Paris for the past 30 years ( married to a Frenchman ) have been waiting for more people to push back against the ” look like a Frenchwoman myth”. It gets quite boring at times!
Corinne
Noticing anything addressing the post 50 phase of womanhood is rarely touted, I published my first book (Sexy In Your 60s) when I was 64. Sexy In Your 70s is next on my list. I own the URLs for Sexy In Your 80s and 90s. Impressing on women the absolute joys of aging is paramount because we are now in our zenith, our mastery on all fronts. Ignoring old counter-productive directives is essential to our well-being. Oh JoY!
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Oh you do cheer me up Alyson…………..definitely going to get this book as I am struggling a little (as a pretty fit and well 60 year old!). I do absolutely feel stretched every which way, I work full time, elderly parents so I am a semi-carer…………….home and garden to maintain. I do not have enough time to see my wonderful friends as much as I would like. On the huge plus side I have a wonderful husband, soul-mate and best friend. And oddly I have really found my style the last few years. Keep your blog coming it’s fantastic. x