Kindness is the new rock and roll
— by Alyson Walsh

One of the best things about developing That’s Not My Age over the years, has been the creation of a network of fantastic women. I am always impressed by the thoughtful comments following a post, and the discussion that ensues. I particularly like it when helpful information is shared between readers; this kindness pleases me, no end. As it is International Women’s Day today, I thought I’d take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you to all the women who read That’s Not My Age, thank you for the continued loyalty and support and thank you for taking the time to comment. This site wouldn’t be the same without you.
I’ve been thinking a lot about kindness, lately. Everything is so binary these days: politics, social media, we live in a like-it-or-loathe-it world. Where trading insults on Twitter has become an everyday occurrence. Call me an old hippy but I do believe in karma. The cycle of getting back what you give. Research shows that random acts of kindness benefit both the giver and the receiver, and provide health advantages (thanks to Sue Burpee at High Heels in the Wilderness for the second link). Kindness is good for you. When the atmosphere is completely divided (as it has been in the UK and the USA for the last couple of years) and rudeness is commonplace, being kind is the complete antithesis. Kindness is the new rock and roll (or if you read Politics.co.uk – being nice is the new punk rock).
The BBC’s chief foreign correspondent Lyse Doucet spoke about kindness on receiving an honorary doctorate from Sussex University, largely in relation to her position as an international correspondent, but still, ‘ Without kindness where would we be?’ And Lucy Mangan in Stylist magazine recently suggested, ‘Kindness might be all we have right now.’
For a while I’ve been meaning to explain why I’ve started moderating the comments on That’s Not My Age; and it is me moderating them not an admin team or a bot – so if your thoughts don’t appear immediately, please do please bear with me. I might be away from my desk or offline, particularly if I’m writing a freelance feature or interviewing someone.
With online as in the real world, not everyone is going to agree all of the time. And that’s fine by me. Really, it is. I like hearing different opinions, just as long as they’re respectful and kind, not rude or insulting. I can handle constructive criticism, but occasionally a comment gets personal. And that can be quite jarring. Sometimes it’s aimed at me, but mostly it relates to other women featured on That’s Not My Age. ‘She looks like a clown’, or, ‘Is this a joke?’ are a couple of examples. I won’t go on. In the grand scheme of online trolling and Twitter spats this may not seem like such a big deal. But women have a hard enough time as it is, particularly when we have misogynists running countries and managing businesses. We should support each other, rather than criticise.
This is my professional website and as a freelance journalist I treat it as an online portfolio. It’s got my name on it and so I’m not going to publish anything negative or spiteful, particularly when it’s aimed at another woman. Don’t get me wrong, the vast majority of That’s Not My Age comments are brilliant and insightful and I thoroughly enjoy the interaction. Thank you for continued support and generosity, it’s very much appreciated. Enjoy International Women’s Day.
It’s cool to be kind.
This ‘Nothing But Kindness’ sweatshirt is from Smith Webb and £5 goes directly to the mental health charity Mind.
Discussion (69 Comments)
Isobel says:
Simply put, but my thoughts exactly. And long may the kind and lovely Alyson reign… this is the nicest place to be on the interweb!
Lizzie says:
I have lived my life since a teenage by the following quote – strangely, the reputed source being the C17th roue John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester.
‘It is not easy to be happy, it is easier to be kind and kindness is the greatest source of happiness.’
I’ve tried to find the orignal source – it was something I learnt at the age of 16 – and can’t. So let’s credit it to one of the (many) women around him!!!
Wishing everyone a very happy International Women’s Day!
That’s such a good quote, Lizzie. I’m going to make it my mantra. Thank you!
Leanda says:
I love this quote. I have been trying to do one nice thing for someone else everyday. Some days it’s easier than others. But when I manage it, it makes me feel happier.
Helen Bainbridge says:
I love that quote Lizzie. Thanks for sharing here.
Vivien Hallberg says:
Hi Alyson, I so support everything you have said here. Being fairly new to the internet and still exploring it, I am often appalled by the remarks that some people fee that they can make online. I’m with you on the hippy thing too. Keep up the good work.
One tiny suggestion – NOT a criticism, how about featuring ome ‘ordinary’ women (although I think ALL women are extraordinary when you hear their life stories) from outside London and not down south (sorry!)?
Point taken, Vivien. I will try harder to include women from outside London (though Deborah Thomas this week was from East Anglia!) I am restricted financially at present so this is a factor, too. It’s just so much better if I can meet and interview the woman in person and take a photographer with me. Working on it!
Catherine says:
Dear Alyson,
Thanks for the gentle reminder. Even though I don’t post unkind remarks (what’s the point in spreading bad vibes?), I’ve sometimes had to check myself from making silly comments to myself. As you say, we should be supporting each other and ourselves. Instead of self-criticism and criticism of others, compliments and kindness make everyone’s day.
On this note, congratulations on your website! I enjoy the mix of zappy fashion and common sense.
Take care,
CatherineChristine Mitchell says:
I’ve never commented on a post in my life but wanted to say thank you for this really lovely blog. I believe that it is the small every day acts of kindness that make us human and that giving and receiving kindness creates those moments of happiness we all love to feel.
Hi Alyson,
Really enjoyed your post today and especially on International Womens Day. Kindness makes such a difference and the more we spread around the more we get back. Great blog – please know that we as readers appreciate your time and thoughts.
Caroline says:
Thanks Alyson – I really appreciate That’s Not My Age. We need more spaces where women (especially older women) can talk and be heard; it’s sad that you need to do extra work to keep that conversation kind and respectful, but great that you’re willing to do it! Keep up the excellent work.
Thank you Alyson for promoting kind and supportive behaviour . It’s hard enough putting ourselves out there without being subjected to unnecessarily cruel comments .
Keep up the good work XCatherine Clarke says:
Thank you Alyson for a fabulous reminder, I have found that if I’m too busy I forget to be kind. Shame on me. I will get flexing my kindness muscle and be intentional in my heart and follow through with kind thoughts and acts. You’re a gem.
Catherine WM says:
Thank you, Alyson, for this thoughtful post. This is my first ever comment (anywhere, in my life!) although I read your pieces and all of the comments regularly. I feel today’s the day to stop being a wallflower and join the conversation because I want to share! I’m a primary school librarian and I see every day the effect of kindness on children. Children’s faces brighten, their chins rise and they glow right back at you – it fixes everything! I truly believe the things that speak to our childhood hearts never change, though we may become a little cynical. Added bonus: it makes the kind person a creature of beauty and awesomeness!
Charlene Hisayasu says:
Catherine WM…you don’t sound like a wallflower. You must be a bouquet of kindness to the blessed children with which you work. Alyson, thank you for reminding us that kindness is never out of fashion. 🙂
Charlene H
(Los Angeles, CA)
Jeanne Edwards says:
Wholeheartedly agree, Alyson – kindness doesn’t cost anything . I can’t abide rudeness, or dishonesty and brought our three children up that way . They, in turn, have done so with their own children. I am ever grateful and blessed to have 6 respectful, kind , well mannered, grandchildren aged from 5 to 18 . My mantra was……it’s nice to be important, but far more important to be nice!!
I smile at anyone who catches my eye , especially elderly folk, and they all smile back ! In supermarkets I tend to look out for anyone who might need assistance . All these tiny gestures bring such gratitude and makes my day as, sadly, we now live in such a ‘ it’s all about me’ society!!
Best wishes,
JeanneRosemary Brown says:
Alyson, this is an absolutely lovely post. I am so in tune with your comments. I’m afraid I don’t have time right now to say any more, just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate TNMA.
Tracy says:
A timely reminder on this important day. And thank you for inspiring me not to give up just because I’m a woman of a certain age.
Great piece Alyson and I agree wholeheartedly I also believe in giving back and helping younger women achieve their potential and mentor several, next week is Commonwealth Day and I am helping launch the Commonwealth Women’s Mentoring Programme in 19 African countries for young women aged 18-30, we ran a very successful pilot and we know it works and can be life changing.
Victoria Adams says:
Thanks Alyson for this lovely post. I love TNMA. I might not like everything presented, (and can’t afford most of it!) but it’s a really great forum – interesting, creative, fun – and it’s helped me get out of a bit of a rut, fashion-wise. Totally agree with your stance on comments – we need more people in the world who are prepared to stand up and say “For goodness sake, be nice!” Keep up the good work.
Cathy says:
Thank you. I don’t like reading those types of jarring comments either.
“Always be a little kinder than necessary.” -James M. BarrieJudy says:
Kindness can be an absolute miracle worker. When I am being an especially crabby, grumpy old introvert, I will self-prescribe a dose of random kindness to a stranger. It is a struggle sometimes to reach out, but mostly people seems so delighted that someone noticed and commented on an outfit, or held a door, or offered a place in line. It costs me nothing but getting outside myself and brings joy to them and to me. As for karma, yes, as my grandmother used to constantly remind me, they will get theirs someday. Very happy to have recently found your blog, as your content is spot on, and your commenters quite delightful.
maggie g says:
I have been lucky enough to cross paths with Lyse Doucet in Kabul, Islamabad and Damascus. She is as unfailingly warm and kind in person as she is precise and illuminating as a journalist. In a fast and distracted world, she doesn’t rush anyone, always anticipates others’ needs or concerns, and is calm and good humoured, because it always helps to be. So glad to see her on your page on women’s day as an inspiration to us all.
Wendy Headeach says:
Thank you for flagging up kindness it distresses me so much to hear, from politicians down outright rudeness, personal criticism and dismissive language. None of us has all the answers, nor are we right all the time. Let’s try to listen, understand and respect. We may not agree but we all have a right to be heard.
FRC says:
I think that’s right! Being kind doesn’t mean we can’t disagree but it can be done in a decent way….eg. ‘That look isn’t for me ‘ etc . But also maybe there is no need to add negativity to other women’s lives over looks! Love your blog and features on style …… more please!
Fabhat says:
Bang on! Why people feel the need to write shite about other people ( often women) that they would never say to them in person amazes me. Constructive criticism is one thing but insults are just rude! Let’s keep kind and we’ll all be happier…
Jodi Brown says:
I think that your wonderful website brings out the best in people. Thank you for all the great women you have introduced us to.
Love it!
I’ve been saying for years (to those who will listen) that kindness is underrated and is the axle on which the wheel of life should spin. If that axle breaks and the wheel stops and we need to repair it, not just wobble on.
Thank you for the emphasis on kindness in all things.patval says:
I don’t usually post here but I want to thank you for being so brave. It takes courage to speak out. Words do hurt. I am glad you are editing hateful comments. You are right we need to be more mindful of our impact. Thank you for reminding people to be respectful and kind.
Jacqueline says:
A great post Alyson and timely.
Have just checked a sewing organisations Instagram account and they have had a computer malfunction this morning. Some people have not been able to access a free offer they are making to celebrate International Women’s Day. They have had to ask people, probably women, to be patient and not to be nasty to members of their small team.
Being kind, understanding and non judgemental costs nothing and makes a great difference to everyone – giver and recipient.
At this stage I will say with sadness that some of our politicians would improve the lives of the people they serve by remembering this.Tudy says:
You’re absolutely right about kindness. Having lived in so many other countries, I have learned that there are so many more kind and good people rather than mean and bad. I frequently remind my students of this. Unfortunately, the press latches on to what sells, and more often than not it’s what is negative. It would be refreshing if we could wake up one morning and see headlines filled with good news and talk show hosts reporting good deeds. It may sound woo-woo, but I believe that intent is followed by action. Perhaps, if we change the narrative and begin with the intent, then just maybe kindness will follow.
Mrs Tonia says:
I’m absolutely in agreement about it being cool to be kind. It’s a quality I hold in higher esteem as I get older. And we do need more of it in everyday life. I try to thank people more and offer compliments in abundance. A small example shopping in the cool drizzle at my local farmers market to tell the young woman at a stall selling lemon and lavender welsh cakes how delicious they are as I purchased some. She beamed a smile and seemed happy with the praise.
Today and everyday we should think of others feelings and offer encouragement. So thank you Alyson for inviting me to be part of your team.
Greetings on International Women’s Day to all readers of TNMA. We have come a long way since gaining suffrage in 1918 for property owning women over 30 and then in 1921 to all women over 21. Lots more to do to achieve parity of pay and opportunities. But even in these muddled days Britain is under the leadership of its second female prime minister and there are more women entering into political life. This representation can’t but be progressive and a good thing in my opinion.Mrs Tonia says:
It is helpful to read about your modus operandi on your site Alyson and what it represents in your professional portfolio.
And that you are trying to keep That’s Not my Age free from a lot of the aggression and spite that exists on some social media platforms. It’s one reason I steer clear. Even when wishing to comment on something like a film review on the Guardian site I’m disheartened by the negative and personal attacks.
Do continue to introduce your own filters for decent discourse. I applaud you Alyson in making this explicit here.Thank you, Mrs Tonia – for your comments and your contribution to TNMA!
Catriona says:
I totally agree Mrs. Tonia, especially with the degree to which people leave foul comments on the Guardian, but I have noticed they’ve had much more stringent policing in the last couple of weeks and they are now quickly removing the unnecessary vile messages . I think that websites have a responsibility to be part of the solution, so thank you Alyson for leading the way, practicing what you preach, spreading positivity and creating this website which shares your loves and interests and allows others to join in with you.
charity girl says:
Hear Hear Alyson.
I work on the xray, radiology reception at my hospital, and I try every day to be kind if I can. Sometimes it can be very difficult as you do get the odd few people who are really rude to you. (it could be to do with the ugly Tesco type nylon shirts we have to wear)
Yesterday a lady who has breast cancer came for her CT Scan. She was about 70, very tall, with an elegant turban on.
I told her she looked beautiful, and she did.Donna Blakemore says:
Thank you kindly for being a model for what is good karma and right action in these challenging times.
From a 60s hippy in California.
Mahadanamaudie says:
Three cheers and a large hug to you, Alyson. I love your blog and thank you for bringing it to us. It is good to witter on about fashion and trends – we all love it and it is a harmless fun that most women indulge in. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously but underneath all that this blog has a soul. Kindness is a form of love and, as an old hippy myself, all you (we) need is love (thanks John Lennon).
Boadicea says:
Without sounding too pi, I’ve always said that had we, as a nation and indeed, other nations too, had more respect and consideration for others over the years, then society would not be in its current state.
Sadly, given the daily examples of current low-level behaviour, especially from those who should know better, I do despair simply because young people are growing up accepting intolerance and general thoughtless behaviour more as the norm than the exception.
But I would say that not all wolves act wolfishly all of the time. I could hear loud voices effing and blinding from way back behind me in a shopping mall only days ago, as two young men discussed the girls they knew in truly base terms. I cringed. They passed me – strapping lads – and reached the outside door. I waited for it to swing back against me. It didn’t. I looked up and there was Strapping Lad No. 1 waiting for me with a lovely smile on his face while Strapping Lad No. 2 waited to one side. And there it was: a random act of kindness. Their mothers should be proud! Perhaps there is hope after all!
Sarah says:
Bravo Alyson, kindness is the best. Providing a safe space for discussion and debate that is welcoming and inclusive makes your blog somewhere I want to visit. Who could argue with moderating? A bot or a troll is who.
Gillian Gustar says:
The reason that I return so often to your site is precisely because it celebrates and supports women – not just for how they look but who they are. The style advice is always welcome, of course, but this site has become so much more than that. Well done Alyson.
Linda says:
If we all behaved like this the world would be a much better place. Well said.
Deborah Richards says:
Just perfect, Alyson thank you, if only more of our so called leaders would…..
Jules says:
Super observations, kindness is so important. Thanks for the timely reminder. Would love the sweatshirt, where can I find it please.
JHi Jules, the sweatshirt is Smith & Webb, details and link are at the bottom of the post. I might get one too!
And you are a flag-bearer of all these kinds of cool. Thank you.
Jill Shooter says:
As my children know I always quote Bambi and Thumpers Pa, “ If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all!” It’s worked well over the years . Seeing some Social media posts and remarks it’s a mantra I feel more people should take heed of!
Love your blog Alyson, always brightens my day.Mrs Tonia says:
So nice to see so much kindness reflected in these comments.
My guiding principle is, and always has been, “do as you would be done by”. Was introduced to this by my late mother reading us “The water babies” by Charles Kingsley. There were two characters in this allegory : Mrs Do-as-you-would be done by” and Mrs Be Done by As you Did.
I try to follow the former, and tried to bring up my sons to treat others well with compassion. A simple rule to follow, or as guidance.I’d forgotten about The Water Babies and ‘do as you would be done by’; loved it as a child!
Síle Boyle says:
Well said and a gentle reminder to us all. The downside of social media has been the abuse of a platform for all unfiltered opinion and commentary.
Wonderful post, Alyson! The world definitely needs more kindness.
Ciara says:
Bravo Alyson. The sad thing is that you need to undertake a moderator role at all. Kindness is always in fashion.
Susan Beach says:
Back at you girl, with appreciation! Thank you for the reminder that the UK is also divided at this time. Sometimes I feel that the US is the only country with embarassing egg on our face. And thank you for the encouragement that one person’s kindness helps.
Beetrix says:
I love kindness but it’s very sad when I witness & experience arrogance & bullying having a much greater influence with others.
Isobel says:
Sad, but true, Beetrix… often, being nice and kind is seen as a sign of weakness and, therefore, a target for those who only feel better about themselves when belittling others. The scariest part is when the majority just let it happen, leaving the victim feeling very alone. Building inner strength helps, and then “Just Keep Going!” – that’s my motto.
Mrs P says:
To quote the Dalai Lama: Be kind whenever possible. And it is always possible.
Lovely post and the older I get the more I realise how important kindness is.Look at what you have done Alyson! Highlighting such a simple but hugely important message – that kindness is free, easy to do and brings a whole host of benefits to both the giver and the receiver and the response has been overwhelmingly positive and heart-warming. There’s no need for neuroscientists to prove this; just try doing something altruistic and kind for someone and notice the feeling – that’s your heart swelling – and it gets even bigger if the recipient shows any sign of gratitude. Do it everyday and the effect is astonishing. Such a cool post from an amazingly inspired writer; Thank-you for this and all your entertaining, thought provoking, super helpful work.
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Such a great post, well done you.