Online dating as a mature woman (continued)
Photo: Dean Dorat
Maybe I would have more luck on dating websites and apps if I stopped looking at men as sex objects? – writes Elaine Kingett. What AM I looking for, after all? A bloke who’s good at DIY and likes green veg? A man who can pay his own bill in a restaurant, particularly at The Wolseley? Someone who doesn’t use a knife and fork to eat pasta and doesn’t support Donald Trump? A man who smells clean?
Maybe I would have more luck if I stopped regarding myself as a sex object? Twenty minutes trying on bras in M&S today has severely dented my confidence. Those lumps, bumps and saggy-bits weren’t there last September when I last took off all my clothes in front of a full-length mirror. And is sex something pathetic to lust after at 66? My public face says, ‘Of course not.’ My private face says, ‘Bleuurgh.’ When younger guys contact me, I don’t want them to see my body. When older guys do, I don’t want to see theirs. Oh, superficial me…
But sex is meant to be good for us all, it’s an energetic work-out, gets the endorphins buzzing, does wonders for your pelvic floor muscles and can increase your life span. It’s good for absolutely everything and probably gets tea-stains off mugs.
Forget Tinder, Outdoor Duo ‘the site for outdoor friendships and dating’ seemed a more sensible place to restart. I ignored the out-of-date website design, spelling mistakes and dogging connotations and signed up. I’ve received lots of invitations to go on walks in the Lake District and a message from a bloke in Snowdonia who ‘snogged Beryl Bainbridge but she stank of whiskey and fags.’ Apart from that, zilch. For searching out chums to tramp the hills in appropriate clothing, great. For romance, it’s a bit barren.
Then there’s Something Serious’ mature section. I’m not serious, I’m immature and seriously bored. And gentlemen, how come you are all 57, 58, 60 and 68? ‘Take a few years off, Jim. You can,’ Yes you can, but I don’t, and aye there’s the rub. Lie – and I get loads of winks, kisses and messages. Stick on 66 and all I get is men who are 70+ and probably lying, as well. And I absolutely refuse to use a profile pic where I’m cantilevering my tits north of Watford, in order to get a date.
Sports casual, a-ha…
And another thing, why do so few older guys have style? Did their wives or mums always buy their clothes? It’s a toss-up between baggy sports shirts, chain-store business suits or waterproof clothing. Every time I go to Spain, I hyper-ventilate about the well dressed older guys strolling about. I practically have to be chained to my tapas stool.
So folks, what’s the next step? According to my GP [female] it would be a good idea if I made friends again with my, er, Easter bunny because it’s the orgasms that produce the endorphins. Either that, or move to Spain.
Any other suggestions?
Elaine Kingett runs Write It Down creative writing holidays.
Discussion (39 Comments)
Ann says:
Laughing. I’m traveling in Spain now and you’re so right. 50+ Spanish men have style…and they stay in shape so clothes look good on them. I’ve also seen a lot of 50+ very stylish Spanish women….in fact I started taking photos of some haircuts and outfits I want to try out.
Toni says:
Enjoyed reading this witty summing up of a problem lots of us have experienced.
PS you can always go for the younger option and turn the lights off. I did.Alex says:
God that took me back. I online dated as a 50 year old divorcee for 4 long years until I met my now husband at maturedatinguk. Throughout my dating years, I found a sense of humour essential, although sometimes very difficult to keep hold of. It’s definitely not pathetic to lust after sex at 66. The right sex with the right person is wondrous at any age. Even right-ish sex with the wrong person is acceptable. Keep at it. I did and I’m happier now -and having better sex – than ever before. BTW, have you noticed that men lie about their height a lot? Short-sighted to say the least.
Sarah says:
Great piece, very funny because it’s all so true – especially about badly dressed men d’un certain age.
lucy says:
oh so true! a great piece of writing and so funny. I appreciated all the images, so apt and very real. My GP (male) told me I have roughly 20 years left for living and I should quickly learn to adapt!
Zanna says:
Now that I’m looking at the once dreaded bomber jackets , seriously beautiful in soft leather , Steve Koogan doesn’t look so bad.
I never thought I’d say that —I mean that I’m looking at bomber jackets !
The Kingett article is so well written I’m feeling her angst .She deserves someone intelligent , funny and very attractive like herself .
The thing is I find a lot of the 60 plus men I know attractive because I know them .
Were they presented as a stranger in the form of an online date prospective I’d run a mile and couldn’t ever see them in the same light as someone I’ve got to know ‘naturally’.Anna says:
Can I have a BIG MOAN? My husband is now seriously disabled so no flippin’ sex. Hugs only go so far. I sleep alone as he needs a special mattress BUT I have a night alarm in case he needs help so I still get the snores – and he snores for England: the drawers open and shut as he breathes in and out. How do I cope? Well, I don’t have to cope with the mountain-heaving turns that nick the duvet. (Counts blessing.) Also, even if I were single I’d have the same problem as Elaine: the young men I fancy wouldn’t look at me and I wouldn’t give the time of day to the sad old sacks who’d think themselves charitable for paying attention to me. But you can live on memories. I have what I call my Other Life when I recall all the lovely pleasures of the past. It really doesn’t make me sad, just grateful.
And while we’re at it, can we scotch the old ‘truism’ (propagated by men) that ‘men age better than women’? Admittedly, George Clooney and a few silver foxes are doing OK; but by and large, I look around and see FAB women looking great: confident, groomed and engaged with life while the men, exhibiting nose and ear hair, slob around in saggy cardigans and saggier shoes.
elizabeth french says:
Your story of an incapacitated husband resulting in a platonic relationship resonates with my life too. So, let me ask you, have you ever thought about ‘comfort’ sex. I don’t even know if it is safe or possible. but if it were, would you, or have you??
Pam says:
Hi Elaine, Thanks for piece. I completely agree with the bit about not wanting them to see my body but not wanting to see there’s either. Cheered me up a bit knowing there are other women out there minding about this stuff! What a game eh. I’ve been corresponding with a guy for the last two years. Yes! two years who has turned out to be incapable of showing his face and actually meeting me. Have finally but very sadly told him to sling his hook. So, with a slightly grim look on my face, back I went. I use Zoosk as I find that Guardian Soulmates are too rude or too picky or too stupid to take any notice of me. At least on Zoosk they look and sometimes even wink. I’ve met two men so far but neither have a lot in the brain region. And I am fussy about this, which I’m quite sure is a problem. Why don’t men like brainy women? Particularly at our age when its all we’ve got left?!
What also pains me is that I still want to to do this dating thing when any sane person would say, this is not the way you meet men. Why do I? I wish I didn’t. I wish I could cope with the thought of never having sex again – but I bloody well can’t. And I would like a friend to share high days and holidays with. I hate the thought of not having someone to do the things I love with. Girl friends are good up to a point but male company is nice. And being thought fondly of by the opposite sex is nice.
I don’t know what the answer is. I met a lovely man yesterday. We had a brilliant conversation and instantly really got on. He was gay!!!!!!!They very often are. Ah well; onwards and upwards – maybe. DOOOO keep writing.Beth says:
Well, you can do what my 70 yr old mom did–join a Grief Group (even though the rules are no dating each other as everyone just lost their spouse)…she married a guy she met there within weeks of meeting him. Of course we all think she is crazy, literally. If I’m ever alone, I will stay that way!
Agnes says:
Elaine,
It was easier in the days before the internet when you looked in the little supplement of the Guardian and then heard the voice message of the person leaving the small ad. The voice tells you so much. On an impulse, when I was genuinely looking to see what was on TV, I left a voice message for an interesting sounding man. I had never thought of doing that. I was happy on my own; I was having fun. I forgot about the message I had left and went on with life. A few weeks later I got a call from the ad man…I had no idea who he was, had forgotten about leaving the message. We talked for an hour, met for lunch, talked for many more hours and Reader, I married him. I would never have met him in my day to day existence…he lived in a different place, had a different history and a very different but complementary life.When it works it works because of honesty on both sides and when it does work it is wonderful.
Thanks for your enjoyable exposition of the current situation and good luck!
This was a great post! But I do digress on a bit of it. Personally, I don’t care about displaying my body. I only wear a bathing suit bottom when I’m on French beaches but here in the States, I would get arrested. In the USA guns are permissible but a set of bare tits is a crime. Go figure!
Also, I am definitely in the minority here, but at 61 years old (in 6 days), I don’t think sex is the “be-all-end-all” at this time in my life. Intimacy takes on a new journey–a light touch on my face or my shoulder or my ass. A hug. Spooning. A kiss.
Suffering from depression over life changes, such as losing my home in a divorce and becoming an empty-nester and finding out that corporations don’t want to hire the over-50 crowd, has changed me. I cannot go to a doctor for these issues because I don’t qualify for Obamacare and I’m not “old” enough for assistance. So I deal with other ways.
Thanks for a fun laugh on this rainy Monday AM!Ruth says:
As a 69er (years) with a part-time partner (long distance) I’m thinking OMG better to be kinder to him but my own libido has dropped off the scale….can’t be bothered to get out the rabbit or make use of his tummy banana. But this is recent. – no idea how you get a new one – this ones an old boyfriend who I gave up on back in the mid 20th century – still has all the faults, still drives me balmy with his obsessive workaholic asbergersyness… etc etc. Its what you call a win/win, lose4/lose situation!!
Susan says:
Don’t give up. I found the love of my life on Eharmony. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Keep looking, the good ones are out there!
Reading this post and all your responses is so reassuring that what I do for a living really matters. I, too, would not want to be online dating at my age (60+). However, full disclosure, I met my husband of 15 years on Match.com — I was 48 and feeling and looking HOT. The way I see online dating is that it’s an extension of “angel work.” In the old days, you might meet a man at a friend’s party, or at a wedding event, etc. Now, with everyone so busy and distracted, online dating serves this purpose by introducing you to men you would otherwise never meet! In terms of the way we look and feel after fifty, I help women dress confidently (just like our blog hostess!) so they can get out in the world and feel good about themselves. And it works! Wearing something in your colors and style gives you the confidence boost to get out there and go on dates. Remember, the men are older, too, and probably have the same insecurities and body image worries. One glass of wine and this, too, will disappear. I hope some of you will take a chance and go on a date…it could be life-changing.
I write online dating profiles as a living (don’t worry – there’s no deception, I use my clients words, expressions and anecdotes so that it’s true to them). I’ve read so many articles about the downside because they’re the funniest, after all. However, I just need to add perspective. That is – online dating exists because traditional dating methods have become obsolete. Churches, communities and neighbourhooods aren’t what they used to be. People walk around with earphones. Plus, let’s face it, if a guy walked up to you at a grocery store and said “Hey, I was watching you and you’re cute”, he’d get slapped with a restrainer order. So, to me, online dating provides hope and opportunities.
Olderbutwiser says:
I’m standing up for the been there, done that and now couldn’t give a damn! Libido got up, left the building with the door firmly shut…..the joy!!
Does’t mean of course that I have lost interest in my looks etc, which in any case were never about attracting men; now that would be terribly sad!
Jane Bristow says:
You are scarily inside my head! I agree with absolutely all you say and think about over 60 online dating. I keep trying but really the over 60 men out there (the ones on dating sites anyway) just don’t do anything for me, and I have tried. I do realise that it matters to me how people look, how shallow am I, but it also matters that they have a brain, like theatre , good food and music. I like the look of younger men but can’t bear the thought of how they will look at me without any clothes on! I will keep looking though. Better that than giving up
Julie says:
Loved this pice as someone who is 61 this week and although reasonably confident am beginning to think the affection of my dogs …… Wondrous as it is…. Is just not the same ….. So what can we collectively do about it . I am form York….. Perhaps there are regional things we can do not for profits along the lines of the outdoors thing…… Let’s get moving and effect change ? 14.5 hours before I am 61 !
Cathi says:
Thanks for this. I needed a good laugh on a Monday. I first started online dating way back in 1993! Met my second husband and, after the divorce, quite a few others. For the past 7 years though, I update my profile and scroll through the possibilities but never actually meet anyone. I’ve become complacent and stuck which isn’t a good place to be. As much as I would like a companion to join me for travel and weekend outings, I’m just too self-conscious about my old, flabby body to entertain the idea of sex with someone new. Keep writing – knowing there are others with the same feelings just might provide the impetus I need!
There is a common thread here about how we feel about our bodies but surely sex isn’t just about that and more about a loving relationship …….
coconut says:
Have you tried OKCupid? That’s where I met my boyfriend of 2 years (am 51 now). Online dating–or rather “online introductions” as Aziz Ansari puts it in his book Modern Romance–is a numbers game and the big sites have the numbers. I would not cross younger men off your list. You might meet someone like I did–8 years younger than me and open to anyone age 25+–or one of the other spontaneous younger men (20s and 30s) who were eager to get together with me and go salsa dancing, get down, or whatever I wanted to do. My bits aren’t super saggy yet but I do have 30 pounds I didn’t use to. 😉
Ruth says:
Loved this piece – dating is a nightmare no matter what age or through which medium. And like many here I appreciate your point about older men and how they dress. But I’d add that a male friend who is newly single and on dating sites moaned to me about why women of a certain age also seem to embrace nanna wear or go down the scarves and clunky jewellery route. Cuts both ways!
Yes fair comment regarding women, making an effort and being a bit dated but where or where can we get to know people for themselves rather than to reject them online on the basis of their height, looks or job of choice …… Anyone up for setting up a new avenue that is more based on meeting people face to face for the over fifties or 60’s. Speaking as someone 61 tomorrow !
What a fun but important post. I am lucky enough to be in a relationship, but I have several dear and lovely friends who are not. I know at least one of them has struggled with the online dating route as well. My partner cannot believe these lovely women can be without partner as he really likes and admires them.
Sounds very much like Spain is the place for you to be 🙂Lesley Somerville says:
I’m with olderbutwiser on this. I’m 60, feel good and have a keen interest in clothes and looking good. But, after a long and varied sex life, I just don’t have the urge any more – there is no itch to scratch. For me that’s a huge blessing. I have male and female friends and am holidaying with a couple and a single male friend later this year. Neither of us has designs on the other and I don’t envy the couple because I know my female friend often finds sex to be a burden rather than a pleasure, despite the fact that her partner is attractive and she loves him. He just wants more of it than she does. I will enjoy going back to my room alone.
I wouldn’t presume to tell others what’s right for them, but there are many, many women who are happy to have male friends without the ‘benefits’.Teresa says:
Reading Anna’s reply rang bells with me as I am in the same position. I love my husband dearly but because he now is unable to “perform” he thinks he no longer needs to show me any kind of loving. Oh, a kiss or cuddle would do wonders for me but alas it is very rare. He never wants to go out or do anything unless it has something in it for him. I am only 63 and end up doing things on my own as I have no close friends, I miss his company so much and am not sure how much longer this can go on.
Oh, God! I laughed out loud at this! I tried online dating on a couple of sites a few years ago and met everyone from guys whose stats said 6’+ (I am 5’7″ and had to look down at more than one) to a guy who claimed to be in his 60’s but was actually older than my mom (she’s 86). I have sworn off online dating for good. Thanks for sharing this delightful article.
Elzabeth Hensley says:
Hello Elaine, and thanks for the charming post. May I offer a suggestion? Take up dancing. I’m 71 and dance Argentine Tango. I found a romantic partner there (younger than I am) as well as many well-groomed, interesting and capable men from every walk of life and age who will value you for your dance skills and sparkle and won’t care a damn for ho old you are. There are tango communities all over the world, so you can take you dance shoes with you on your travels and have a lovely evening in the arms of strangers wherever you go. I have friends who dance the waltz and do swing dancing as well and say the same things about their communities. Social dancers are in love not only with movement to music, but with the pleasure that comes from expressing that through a partner, which makes them darn good company off the floor as well. And dance brains are young brains, no matter their chronological age, since integrating steps with music and a partner’s movement keeps things crackling along between the ears. Classes for beginners are friendly, don’t require that you register with a partner and a great place to make friends who will venture out with you to organized dances when the time comes. Enjoy!
Susan Young says:
I loved this article! I am currently doing the online dating scene and surprisingly Facebook – who knew that it had become an online dating option.
Although I am turning 54 soon I am mentally young and enjoy fashion, but find that men in my age group and older have other thoughts. They tend to be set in their ways and stuck in their fashion choices.
My search continues as I know the one for me is out there.Rebecca says:
I loved your post and honesty. And I also appreciated the honesty of all the replies! I’m 57 and filing for divorce from a man who has been emotionally abusive to me for years, giving me the silent treatment and contempt only. I have distanced myself for many years, but I will be much happier without him present in my life in any way. I haven’t really had any companionship for years, but am reluctant to take the leap into online dating. I know though it will be one of the primary ways in which to meet men, no matter how rife with inaccurate ages, heights, weights, etc. I just have to remember to use it as fodder for writing! In preparation, I have had my cosmetic surgery and lost 10 pounds. I am now working out regularly, and will be going on estrogen. While I have decided to put myself in the best position possible, I am also now older and wiser. No more narcissistic and cruel men.
Donna Ramsden says:
Elaine, I do so agree! I am 70, feel 40, single and despair of meeting anyone. Maybe I should move to Spain…..
sharon says:
Oh dear, I’m swithering about all of this nonsense! I’m 52, black and living in the Highlands of Scotland. I came (no pun intended) to the whole sex thing quite late and feel the need to “catch up”. My libido is alive and kicking in the door, I’m in reasonable nick, I’ve written my profile for mysinglefriend, my friend has written about me…………..I just haven’t paid the money to go live. When it comes down to it, I can’t be arsed to drive into Inverness on a weekday, not be able to drink and have to drive back again. I absolutely do not want to live with anybody, but I want something…………. sex, being taken out to dinner, a text saying “hello” during the working day, a warm wide hand on the small of my back. nothing earth-shattering. I have only had one proper relationship, so I feel a bit “odd”, given that lots of women my age are becoming grandmothers! what to do?
Winsome says:
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: at “our” age, we don’t have to apologise for ANYTHING! hot sex at 66 is just as important as hot sex at 16/26/36/46/56. As we are always being told, women of our age know what we want, and therefore we should not be afraid to either[demand] ask for it or rejoice when we find it.
Honestly, though, these men who lie about ANYTHING should be called out- maybe post a picture of the “reality” next to the “fantasy,” to discourage others….?!
Thanks, Elaine- a great laugh!
Vivienne 
Susan 
Sweet Sue 
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If it makes you feel any better – it probably won’t – I don’t think that online dating is a good experience at any age. I am a single mum in my mid 30s who is recently back on the dating scene. I refuse to lie on my profile and receive nothing but a barrage of hook up offers. More work to undermine the single mum stereotype I think! If you ever worry that your negative online dating experience is age related read this blog post to reassure yourself it’s not. Good luck! http://www.thesingleswan.com/2016/01/11/to-the-men-of-tinder-this-is-why-i-didnt-reply/