This week we’re reading: The Gentlewoman’s guide to Modern Manners
Technology and social norms have changed so much since the millennium’s turn that sometimes I am not sure what is passé or proper any more; like how to politely leave a gathering, whether I can send an apology by text message and should I still use an email Out-of-Office reply? So, I was very pleased to find one of my favourite magazines, The Gentlewoman, is publishing Modern Manners: A Guide to Living Fabulously Well.
Out this month, the guide is a compilation of essays written by their esteemed contributors, as well as surveys of questions posed to celebrities and other household names for modern etiquette advice (What do you give as a thank you? being my favourite). Concerns are grouped into seven category-sections including Modern Conundrums, The Unmentionables, and How To Be… It is an absorbing read that had me wanting to immediately gather some friends together to discuss – and afterwards of course, I would leave elegantly not slink out or overstay my welcome.
For example, Joan Juliet Buck, former editor of French Vogue, defends excess: “I see the world divided into the excessives, who suffer from a fear of empty space – generous types with volatile tempers who believe More is More – and the measured who appreciate midcentury modern, purge their wardrobes and serve you one lamb chop at dinner.” I could relate to Caroline Roux’s ‘Telephone’ in the Making Life Better section: “A phone call has the intimacy of listening to radio; the imagination can provide the pictures.”
I was particularly interested in what Anna-Marie Solowij, former Beauty Editor (Marie Claire, Vogue UK) and Co-founder of BeautyMART, had to say about re-gifting. As someone who has received hundreds of samples of super-expensive and desirable products over her career she, better than most, knows it is anathema to not pass on perfectly untouched product. But the experience has her questioning the categories of re-gifting and arguing that there is a need for new and varied nomenclature: the pift (passed on gift); nift (the no-longer-wanted gift); or the forbidden rift.” And because the re-gift has tarnished value, she addresses this with her personal solution.
Many of the topics had me thinking about the deeper meaning behind things I take for granted, for example, faceless restaurant critic Marina O’Loughlin had me consider the value and futility of maintaining anonymity in this age of you-as-a-brand, and Eva Wiseman had me questioning the purpose of tipping in the 2020s: “Is tipping a voluntary way of rewarding service, or is it quietly, compulsory, an undisclosed portion of the server’s wages to be paid directly by the customer?” … a debate which has much currency in the hospitality industry now as restaurants struggle to find staff.
So, back to the question of whether to leave an Out-of-Office (OoO) reply? Susie Rushton directs us to Arianna Huffington’s company ‘Thrive Global’ which has created an app that deletes incoming messages while you are on holiday and simultaneously informs recipients that their emails will not be read. Or better yet, tried-and-true humour is still a way to ease a bitter message with good grace, as actress Tilda Swinton proves. Her OoO states: “Hello, I’m away until 2070”, because we all know that’s how long it will probably, realistically, take most of us to reply to a holiday inbox.
I can’t guarantee that the modern manners this book discusses will still be the same come 2070, but the advice should get us safely through the next decade or so. It is not a dictionary-type resource, nor is it a comprehensive tome of all modern manners, but I really enjoyed it because the writing is superb and its advice is truly befitting a modern gentlewoman
Modern Manners: Instructions for Living Fabulously Well by The Gentlewoman, Phaidon, October 2021, £19.95 / US$24.95
Alexia Economou is a design and culture journalist, and regular TNMA contributor @thedesignfeedT
Discussion (10 Comments)
Boadicea says:
Holy Moly, I’ve been out of the workplace loop/daily world too long, obviously! Do people really fret about such stuff these days? I had no idea… Surely, courtesy, which is what this is about, is innate, you’ve either got it or you ain’t, or, it’s soon acquired by observation. Sorry, but it would never occur to me to look for ‘deeper meanings’ behind things’. Either look and learn, or ask! And all I ask for is reciprocal politeness – with a smile, hopefully – plus a few niceties in return. Call me old fashioned, but I still expect a gentleman to stand up for me, to hold doors open and to walk on the outside. But then I expect the door-holding from anyone (and usually get it, I must say. Could be an age thing, I suppose. Sigh… but Thank You all the same ). But I lose none of my independence by ‘allowing’ this, as I appreciate being cherished, albeit momentarily, even by a possible stranger, let alone a loved one. But then, as said, I offer similar small courtesies to others. Why wouldn’t I? Why wouldn’t anyone? I read once that cooking/baking is an outward sign of caring for people. My expressions of respect for others is to provide any small assistance at the time. None costs money but is a cheering currency of exchange. I feel for anyone anguishing over say, whether to tip or not. If it’s deserved, then just do. Just make sure the right person gets it. And what’s wrong with finding one’s host/ess before leaving a ‘do’ and just saying the right things? Oh, and if anyone wants to re-gift me any beauty products I won’t be offended, nor will I care which ‘ift’ it is ( ye gods!), but I will be polite and say thank you!
Perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised at the pitfalls thrown up ‘out there’ given the ungracious, nasty place it can be these days. And that is sad. Tilda Swindon, bless her, has the right idea by employing humour, the other example is just plain rude. No manners at all!
Marilyn B. says:
Sounds like a worthwhile read. Thanks for the recommendation. I just ordered mine online.
Joan says:
Yes, the best way to get rid of unwanted gifts is to donate them, but, if re-gifting is your plan, it is not a good idea usually. As the recipient of re-gifting I wonder why a supposed “friend” would pass on something she did not want or like ?
During the pandemic my husband and I have been tipping more money than usual for take-out orders, and also for in person meals to show our appreciation for the essential workers who have had to be on the front line, so to speak to make our lives more comfortable. Maybe the restaurants do need to increase salaries but most are also struggling…..the workers, servers, cooks, etc. deserve to get more money for showing up everyday.
Frances says:
Simply treat people how you would like to be treated yourself. Can’t go far wrong in my book. Also, a please, thank you, sorry, excuse me etc when appropriate to do so. I would not be offended if someone passed on an unwanted gift or any of the “ifts”? Didn’t even know they were such a thing. There are more important things in life.
Mrs Tonia says:
Totally agree with your approach.
Do as you would be done by is my Modus Operandi. And being polite and kind.
Re regifting I do it. And no one is bothered to get something nice or be given a gift.
Jax says:
I don’t know if I’ll get this book, but I do love The Gentlewoman (I have all the issues and waiting for the new one to get to a U.S. bookstore near me), admire Penny Martin, and I usually try to read whatever Joan Juliet Buck writes (highly recommend her 2 novels from the 70s and 80s).
Bev says:
I love this 1940s style look – right up my street. I love vintage but you are right, one piece mixed in with modern is easier and more stylish than head to toe ‘dresding up box’. Ps. For some reason the local charity shops seem awash with goodies recently…….APC and Acne jeans (really!) and a vintage ochrey-mustard tweed midi pinafore dress for example! Happy days
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That looks to be an interesting read. I’m from the south (USA) my daughter says that we take manners to a whole new level. She is often complimented on her manners. Her reply is “Thank you, I was raised by a southern mom”. What I learned from my mom is, manners and etiquette are less about you, but more about how you treat other people. My mom was a very inclusive person being kind to all. That’s the simple definition of manners.